It has been 28 days since everything took a giant dump. 28 days since I was taken by ambulance to the hospital with a herniated disc, four bulging disks, pinched sciatic and genital root nerves. 28 days since I've worked, played normally with my kids or stood to hug my wife for more than 5 seconds.
In the last 28 days, my Grandmother, the woman that takes up an unreal amount of space in my heart, was admitted to the ICU with pneumonia, active tuberculosis and 4 broken ribs. She was given 6 to 48 hours to live. In the last 28 days, she was transferred to another hospital, told she does not have TB and that she would be home in a week or two. But now, TB has now been confirmed and we still have no idea when or if she will ever get better.
My wife, that has been taking care of me, our children and her patients, basically single handed for the last 28 days, developed shingles on her face and near her eye. Could it have come from the stress of dressing and caring for her broken husband? Or continuing to work while getting Drake to and from school and tending to Clyde, the needy Mamma's boy? Could have been from the stress of running this household all by herself for the last 28 days? Yeah... Probably all of that.
In the last 28 days, Clyde was diagnosed with croup. High fevers. Coughing and gagging until vomit flowed from his tiny little mouth. Multiple nebulizer treatments a day just to give his little lungs a tiny break from the painful, never ending coughing that doesn't seem to break up... Ever.
In the last 28 days Drake has been sick more than he has been well. More snot, fevers, coughs, sneezes and headaches in 28 days than he has ever had in his short little life.
In the last 28 days we have received phone calls informing us of loved ones being diagnosed with cancer. We have received saddening calls regarding the poor health of even more loved ones. I have received messages that old friends with substance abuse issues have left this earth. We have received messages that the marriages of loved ones were in jeopardy and some have even ended. I have gotten calls from loved ones looking to me to comfort their depression and suicidal thoughts, while I have been trying to handle my own.
In the last 28 days I have struggled with feeling completely useless. I am constantly worried if we can get out of the hole we are digging. I have struggled with the fact that an emogi on a facebook page somehow counts as caring rather than actual human contact or a phone call. I have struggled with feeling alone even when I know we are not.
In the last 28 days our furnace literally burned out on a -10 degree day. We were charged $250 more than we were quoted. Our snow blower broke in the midst of a heavy snow accumulation. I have no income and Sarah has had to miss a ridiculous amount of time to care for all of us. Our credit cards have all reached their maximum limit and in 28 days we have added to a debt that we have been working hard on ridding ourselves of.
In the last 28 days we have cried, worried, panicked, cried some more, screamed, worried some more, been frustrated, cried, and then panicked a little more.
In the last 28 days my neighbor has kept my driveway clear because I couldn't.
My bestest friends have come by, just to keep me company for a few minutes.
They have rallied people to fix my snow blower and plow my driveway.
They have picked my son up from school when I couldn't.
Those same friends have called and texted just to see if we needed anything.
A friend that hardly knows me sent us an amazing monetary Christmas gift that eased some of our financial burden.
My sister, brother in law and parents went above and beyond to make sure my kids had an awesome Christmas.
In between coughs and breathing treatments, Clyde still has the ability to make us laugh. When he's not sneezing, coughing or blowing his nose, Drake still makes time to take care of us and is right there with hugs and kind words. Even though my body is broken and her face feels like it is on fire, Sarah and I are still in love as much as we were the first day we knew. Even when the world seems to be crashing all around us, we succeed in keeping each other comforted. We still make each other laugh when the world seems determined to keep us in tears. On days when it is hard to feel any sense of hope, right when we need it the most, the people around us prove that there is still good, caring people in the world. People that I am so unbelievably thankful for.
So even in a torrential downpour of shittiness, we can still find reasons to smile.
Thursday, January 11, 2018
Thursday, September 1, 2016
My most sincere open apology
The people of this country are more divided than I can remember in my lifetime and I find myself getting very passionate about a whole lot of things. Especially if I have been drinking. I used to think that social media was pretty amazing. Over the last few years I have found that it rips apart my brain way more than it makes me awe in amazement.
In my opinion the days of civil debate are gone. The art of learning from the perspective of others is gone. It has now just become a verbal boxing ring where people of different sides shove their opinions down the throats of others convinced that they are facts instead of opinions.
Here is my apology. I do this and I truly am sorry. My opinions are not facts. They are my opinions. Your opinions are not facts either and I fail at respecting them. I get into social media arguments and suddenly become so hell bent on converting people to my side that every now and then I take the argument to an angry and dangerous place. This is not who I want to be. I have always tried my best to listen to the opinions of others, sit back and try to understand why they feel the way they feel and attempt to form my opinions based on all the information that I have gathered. Lately, I have not done this and I am very sorry.
I have no idea why I have become Captain Defensive when it comes to certain subjects. I have no idea why I have decided that my way of thinking should be everyone's way of thinking. I was called a judgmental hypocrite the other day. After I sobered up and read through the comment thread I realized that this person was right. So to you, if you ever come across this... know that I am sorry. In a drunken and overly passionate rant, I took things to a level I am not proud of.
I become very emotional when it comes to topics of race, rights and especially anything children related. I have family and very dear friends of many races, religions and sexuality and I am very passionate about their rights and equality. We live in a world consumed with so much hatred for one another that it makes me horribly scared for my children. Which is why I am so passionate about how our children are being raised. It makes me ill to think that my kids would ever hate someone simply because of their skin color or where they come from or what faith they follow. I spent my whole childhood being treated like absolute shit by some of my peers that it makes my stomach turn to think that my kids may be treated like that or treat others like that. So, I often have lots to say about these subjects. Once again, these are my feelings, not facts. So if I have ever crammed them down your throat while being a judgmental hypocrite, I really am sorry.
This has been going on for a couple of years and I'm not sure what triggered it... But I know I don't like who I am when I get so hyped up. The Kapernick argument is finally what made me see what I was doing.
The weird thing is... If I were at a Sabre's game or wherever... And I saw someone (a player or otherwise) not standing for the National Anthem, I would think, "What a douchebag". Then I would think, "Well, it's his right". Then I would roll my eyes and go about my day. Because in the end it has absolutely no effect on my life. His disrespect of the flag would not affect my love for it. So, I'm not sure why I got so heated up about this situation. Maybe it's because it turned into a race issue or maybe it's because of the double standards regarding constitutional rights. Whatever the reason, My opinions and feelings are just that, they are not facts and I have no right to treat them like they are. So for that, I am sorry.
I have been called a lot of things in the last few years. Not many of them very pretty. Hypocrite, judgmental, opinionated, N***er lover, unpatriotic, pussy liberal and a few more. I've been told to leave the country I was born in and love because I believe that systemic racism is a real thing. I have been told to get on the opposite side of Trump's wall because because I believe that closing borders would be more harmful than helpful. I have been told to buy a one way ticket Syria so I can see what real oppression is.
Here is the thing... I crave a world with more compassion. I crave a country that judges character and not color. I hope for a community where I don't have to worry about my kid's and your kid's safety and well being every time they leave my sight. A neighborhood that watches out for each other despite differences of opinion. I have hopes for a country where constitutional rights are guaranteed to all and not some, a government that is not riddled with corruption and nation that can have real discussions for positive change without being torn with hateful division. Those things I am not sorry for.
I am sorry that I have taken my views and shoved them in the faces and down the throats of people (friends and strangers) on social media. My business would fall to crap without the ol' FB so even though I know I should delete it, I can't. I will however limit my use of it to promote my business and post adorable pictures of my kids.
In my opinion the days of civil debate are gone. The art of learning from the perspective of others is gone. It has now just become a verbal boxing ring where people of different sides shove their opinions down the throats of others convinced that they are facts instead of opinions.
Here is my apology. I do this and I truly am sorry. My opinions are not facts. They are my opinions. Your opinions are not facts either and I fail at respecting them. I get into social media arguments and suddenly become so hell bent on converting people to my side that every now and then I take the argument to an angry and dangerous place. This is not who I want to be. I have always tried my best to listen to the opinions of others, sit back and try to understand why they feel the way they feel and attempt to form my opinions based on all the information that I have gathered. Lately, I have not done this and I am very sorry.
I have no idea why I have become Captain Defensive when it comes to certain subjects. I have no idea why I have decided that my way of thinking should be everyone's way of thinking. I was called a judgmental hypocrite the other day. After I sobered up and read through the comment thread I realized that this person was right. So to you, if you ever come across this... know that I am sorry. In a drunken and overly passionate rant, I took things to a level I am not proud of.
I become very emotional when it comes to topics of race, rights and especially anything children related. I have family and very dear friends of many races, religions and sexuality and I am very passionate about their rights and equality. We live in a world consumed with so much hatred for one another that it makes me horribly scared for my children. Which is why I am so passionate about how our children are being raised. It makes me ill to think that my kids would ever hate someone simply because of their skin color or where they come from or what faith they follow. I spent my whole childhood being treated like absolute shit by some of my peers that it makes my stomach turn to think that my kids may be treated like that or treat others like that. So, I often have lots to say about these subjects. Once again, these are my feelings, not facts. So if I have ever crammed them down your throat while being a judgmental hypocrite, I really am sorry.
This has been going on for a couple of years and I'm not sure what triggered it... But I know I don't like who I am when I get so hyped up. The Kapernick argument is finally what made me see what I was doing.
The weird thing is... If I were at a Sabre's game or wherever... And I saw someone (a player or otherwise) not standing for the National Anthem, I would think, "What a douchebag". Then I would think, "Well, it's his right". Then I would roll my eyes and go about my day. Because in the end it has absolutely no effect on my life. His disrespect of the flag would not affect my love for it. So, I'm not sure why I got so heated up about this situation. Maybe it's because it turned into a race issue or maybe it's because of the double standards regarding constitutional rights. Whatever the reason, My opinions and feelings are just that, they are not facts and I have no right to treat them like they are. So for that, I am sorry.
I have been called a lot of things in the last few years. Not many of them very pretty. Hypocrite, judgmental, opinionated, N***er lover, unpatriotic, pussy liberal and a few more. I've been told to leave the country I was born in and love because I believe that systemic racism is a real thing. I have been told to get on the opposite side of Trump's wall because because I believe that closing borders would be more harmful than helpful. I have been told to buy a one way ticket Syria so I can see what real oppression is.
Here is the thing... I crave a world with more compassion. I crave a country that judges character and not color. I hope for a community where I don't have to worry about my kid's and your kid's safety and well being every time they leave my sight. A neighborhood that watches out for each other despite differences of opinion. I have hopes for a country where constitutional rights are guaranteed to all and not some, a government that is not riddled with corruption and nation that can have real discussions for positive change without being torn with hateful division. Those things I am not sorry for.
I am sorry that I have taken my views and shoved them in the faces and down the throats of people (friends and strangers) on social media. My business would fall to crap without the ol' FB so even though I know I should delete it, I can't. I will however limit my use of it to promote my business and post adorable pictures of my kids.
Friday, April 1, 2016
The man that comes with a warning.
***WARNING***
*Brett Orr is an oversensitive, over dramatic man that struggles with getting over emotional pain.* That being said, today I am writing to get things out of my head because they need to be somewhere else rather than trapped in my brain, driving me insane.
When I finally think that the last hurt-able feeling has become numb and that I no longer care about other's opinions of me or their feelings toward me, I find that there is still one that hangs out only to cause another cycle of overthinking, self doubt and stupid, whiny depression.
I discovered recently that when someone new is about to meet me, they get a warning. They are warned about the loud, abrasive asshole they are about to meet. Before I even get the chance to make a first impression for myself, they have a preconceived idea of who I am before I even arrive. To that person, that is all I am. Their mind has already been made for them. This guy is a piece of shit... So I will just stay away from him while he is here.
I guess I shouldn't be surprised, really. I notice stand-offish behaviors from people that don't know me personally quite often. Usually in the school when I pick Drago up. Small towns sure can be fun sometimes. No doubt the hairy eyeballs from the school Mommies and teachers stem from the time that I pissed off an entire family by calling their kid a douchebag while I was buzzed and horribly depressed. Meengya, it's been over a year and I still can't even get a haircut without hearing all about what an asshole I am because of that one fuck up. Please, feel free to form your opinion of me based on the rantings of someone I pissed off. It is really hard to move beyond past fuck ups when you never stop hearing about it. Especially in a day and age where forgetting and forgiving seem to no longer exist.
Here is the thing. It's who I am. It is how I am wired. I say what I feel, when I feel it. I am an entertainer by nature. So what ever it is that I say, it is usually said loudly and melodramatically.
But why is this ALL that I am? Why is this the warning people get? Why is it always someone's flaws that define them? Why isn't it, "This is Brett, he throws Easter egg hunts for the entire town?" Or, he throws carnivals and drive ins in his back yard for the neighborhood kids? Or, this guy opens his house to anyone and everyone just so they can keep in touch and enjoy each other's company? It is never, this guy babysits multiple people's children free of charge for years to save people from daycare costs. It's never, this guy donates his time, money and DJ equipment to every single fundraiser or benefit that he is asked to help with. People don't warn others that I drop whatever I am doing to help my loved one's in need. No one ever introduces me as the guy that dedicates every single second of my free time to helping and caring for other people...Is it ever, Hi, this is Brett, he helped me move, paint my house, Dj'd my kid's party, my wedding, dry walled my house, donated to my kid's countless fundraisers, snow blew my drive way all winter, mowed my lawn, took care of my dogs, installed my audio system, drove my ass around while I had no license, volunteers at his son's school, is a loving husband, devoted father?... Nope, none of those things are used in the introduction of Brett.
It is always, "He's a loud, opinionated asshole."
I get it. I am flawed. I am loud. I am abrasive. I am opinionated. I am a lot of things. Including loving, loyal, dedicated, giving and honest. It just really makes me sad that the people that know me best only use the ugly adjectives to describe me to the people that don't know me at all.
Even after all of the therapy, journal writings, adult coloring books and feel good exercises... There are days when I still just feel so defeated... Even my loving wife and closest friends are tired of my pity parties. It's totally understandable. No one is sick of my whining more than me. Everyday I can't help but think it is time to just stop with the Sunday Fundays, giant Birthday celebrations, backyard activities and such. I seem to rely on them too much for my own happiness. I constantly think that maybe I really just need to put all of my energy into these four walls. I know plenty of people that keep to themselves, keep their doors shut and appear to be completely content. They don't worry about keeping connections or forcing friendships to last forever. Their happiness is not measured by their approval rating. I want that for myself.
But I have to be honest with myself...I will probably continue to put food in the mouths of people that talk shit. I will probably continue to help others that have never done a single thing for me. Chances are that I will continue to plow driveways, mow lawns, help move, paint walls, drywall rooms, babysit, dogsit, volunteer, donate my time, energy and money to others that need it more than me. I will probably still help to pick up the people that continuously knock me down. My home will probably remain open as a loving place to enjoy one another.
I will also will probably continue to be loud, abrasive and overly honest. I will probably always be over sensitive, way too dramatic and a depressed pain in my loved one's asses. So sadly, this viscous cycle will probably continue. I will keep doing great things but only be known for my mistakes.
But hey, maybe one day someone will say, "You're about to meet Brett. He is kind of a dick but he is a really awesome dick."
*Brett Orr is an oversensitive, over dramatic man that struggles with getting over emotional pain.* That being said, today I am writing to get things out of my head because they need to be somewhere else rather than trapped in my brain, driving me insane.
When I finally think that the last hurt-able feeling has become numb and that I no longer care about other's opinions of me or their feelings toward me, I find that there is still one that hangs out only to cause another cycle of overthinking, self doubt and stupid, whiny depression.
I discovered recently that when someone new is about to meet me, they get a warning. They are warned about the loud, abrasive asshole they are about to meet. Before I even get the chance to make a first impression for myself, they have a preconceived idea of who I am before I even arrive. To that person, that is all I am. Their mind has already been made for them. This guy is a piece of shit... So I will just stay away from him while he is here.
I guess I shouldn't be surprised, really. I notice stand-offish behaviors from people that don't know me personally quite often. Usually in the school when I pick Drago up. Small towns sure can be fun sometimes. No doubt the hairy eyeballs from the school Mommies and teachers stem from the time that I pissed off an entire family by calling their kid a douchebag while I was buzzed and horribly depressed. Meengya, it's been over a year and I still can't even get a haircut without hearing all about what an asshole I am because of that one fuck up. Please, feel free to form your opinion of me based on the rantings of someone I pissed off. It is really hard to move beyond past fuck ups when you never stop hearing about it. Especially in a day and age where forgetting and forgiving seem to no longer exist.
Here is the thing. It's who I am. It is how I am wired. I say what I feel, when I feel it. I am an entertainer by nature. So what ever it is that I say, it is usually said loudly and melodramatically.
But why is this ALL that I am? Why is this the warning people get? Why is it always someone's flaws that define them? Why isn't it, "This is Brett, he throws Easter egg hunts for the entire town?" Or, he throws carnivals and drive ins in his back yard for the neighborhood kids? Or, this guy opens his house to anyone and everyone just so they can keep in touch and enjoy each other's company? It is never, this guy babysits multiple people's children free of charge for years to save people from daycare costs. It's never, this guy donates his time, money and DJ equipment to every single fundraiser or benefit that he is asked to help with. People don't warn others that I drop whatever I am doing to help my loved one's in need. No one ever introduces me as the guy that dedicates every single second of my free time to helping and caring for other people...Is it ever, Hi, this is Brett, he helped me move, paint my house, Dj'd my kid's party, my wedding, dry walled my house, donated to my kid's countless fundraisers, snow blew my drive way all winter, mowed my lawn, took care of my dogs, installed my audio system, drove my ass around while I had no license, volunteers at his son's school, is a loving husband, devoted father?... Nope, none of those things are used in the introduction of Brett.
It is always, "He's a loud, opinionated asshole."
I get it. I am flawed. I am loud. I am abrasive. I am opinionated. I am a lot of things. Including loving, loyal, dedicated, giving and honest. It just really makes me sad that the people that know me best only use the ugly adjectives to describe me to the people that don't know me at all.
Even after all of the therapy, journal writings, adult coloring books and feel good exercises... There are days when I still just feel so defeated... Even my loving wife and closest friends are tired of my pity parties. It's totally understandable. No one is sick of my whining more than me. Everyday I can't help but think it is time to just stop with the Sunday Fundays, giant Birthday celebrations, backyard activities and such. I seem to rely on them too much for my own happiness. I constantly think that maybe I really just need to put all of my energy into these four walls. I know plenty of people that keep to themselves, keep their doors shut and appear to be completely content. They don't worry about keeping connections or forcing friendships to last forever. Their happiness is not measured by their approval rating. I want that for myself.
But I have to be honest with myself...I will probably continue to put food in the mouths of people that talk shit. I will probably continue to help others that have never done a single thing for me. Chances are that I will continue to plow driveways, mow lawns, help move, paint walls, drywall rooms, babysit, dogsit, volunteer, donate my time, energy and money to others that need it more than me. I will probably still help to pick up the people that continuously knock me down. My home will probably remain open as a loving place to enjoy one another.
I will also will probably continue to be loud, abrasive and overly honest. I will probably always be over sensitive, way too dramatic and a depressed pain in my loved one's asses. So sadly, this viscous cycle will probably continue. I will keep doing great things but only be known for my mistakes.
But hey, maybe one day someone will say, "You're about to meet Brett. He is kind of a dick but he is a really awesome dick."
Tuesday, July 7, 2015
Dear ________,
Dear family,
I want to say thank you. Thank you for being a constant love no matter what shit storm comes raging through our lives. Thank you for being crutches for other family members to lean on when the weight of the world seems too heavy to bear. Thank you for being self aware and honest. Thank you for being you. We are a fucked up group of people for sure. But, we are a fucked up group of amazing, supportive, loving champions that prove time and time again that we persevere... Always.
Love, Brett.
Dear Mom and Dad,
There is not enough room on the internet to write down all the amazing things you do. You both are truly rocks. How you keep your shit together with all of the crap we have pulled through the years is a testament to your strength and your patience. Mommy, without fail you are there when ever needed, no matter the circumstance. (except hospitals... You don't do hospitals.) You have the power to calm the most torrential internal storms that we face and you do not ever receive enough gratitude. Daddy, You took on the job of raising this chubby, oversensitive, ball of emotion without ever making me feel like I wasn't yours. You both are so wonderful. I love you.
Love, Brett.
Dear Wife,
What can I say that I don't tell you as often as I can already? You are stunning. You are everything to so many. You are the light that keeps me from forever falling into darkness. You are a voice of reason when the voices in my head are being unreasonable. You are force to be reckoned with, my love. Because of you, I serve a purpose. Because of you, the worst of days end with smiles and sound sleep. Because of you this little house remains strong and loving and beaming with possibility. The words "I love you" are not enough. My cup overflows.
Love, Brett.
Dear Emma,
Man, do we love you. And even though you are out in the world, doing you... Your face is missed. Your smile is missed. Your presence is missed. We spend countless minutes everyday worrying about you, thinking about you. In the end, we believe in you and that you will do the right things. We believe that you will be safe and smart.
Love, Brett.
Dear Drake,
You have single handedly, turned an angry, selfish and foolish man into a man with a mission. A mission of being the absolute best father the world has ever seen. You, my son have changed my life. You have given your broken down Daddy a reason to wake up everyday. To smile and laugh. You have given me a reason to see the beauty in all of the world around us. You will move mountains, my boy. I have no doubt.
Love, Daddy.
Dear the people that walked away,
You are missed. Maybe not as much as before. But still missed. I am flawed. You must not be. Why else would you be so unwilling to forgive? I look back at all of the situations that caused you all to walk away and process them over and over until I go crazy. But I am done with that now. I have always owned up to my shit and made sincere apologies as needed. After that, it's not my problem anymore. It's yours. May the sun shine brightly on all of you. May each day bring happiness and smiles. May you someday realize that you too are flawed and that you will require forgiveness from someone that you wronged... And may you get that forgiveness. Also know that these doors are always open. At no point would I not gladly welcome you with open arms.
Love, Brett.
Dear the people I walked away from,
Being myself, I am all too familiar with actions and words that require forgiveness from others. If I have walked away from you, it means that you are too toxic for forgiveness. Your adultery, sex triangles, child endangerment or whatever, was far too dangerous for me or my family to be around. Whatever it is that you have done wasn't a simple screw up or lack of judgement. It wasn't a misunderstanding or an argument between pals. Those are things easy to forgive and move on from... You are sick, twisted spawns of evil with no signs of being anything else.
Stay gone, Brett.
Dear World,
You are a beautiful place jammed packed with the worst sorts of ugly imaginable. Get your shit together.
Sincerely, Brett.
Dear Organized Religion,
You are a beautiful idea... On paper. Unfortunately, many of your followers can't read the blueprint. Therefore, as much as I enjoy the idea of a higher power belief system, my faith will remain with the Fonz. Get your shit together.
Sincerely, Brett.
Dear Friends,
You all deserve an award. You have stuck by a guy who. Is. Fucked. Up. You have decided to stick by a guy who's inner demons and lightning fast, foul mouth gets the better of him on a daily basis. You appreciate and love me for me and I promise to forever do the same for you. Sometimes your presence is the antidote to venom filled depression. You are all awesome. Not awesome like, "Hey this IPA beer is awesome"... But the true definition of the word. The power of the universe kind of awesome.
Love, Brett
I want to say thank you. Thank you for being a constant love no matter what shit storm comes raging through our lives. Thank you for being crutches for other family members to lean on when the weight of the world seems too heavy to bear. Thank you for being self aware and honest. Thank you for being you. We are a fucked up group of people for sure. But, we are a fucked up group of amazing, supportive, loving champions that prove time and time again that we persevere... Always.
Love, Brett.
Dear Mom and Dad,
There is not enough room on the internet to write down all the amazing things you do. You both are truly rocks. How you keep your shit together with all of the crap we have pulled through the years is a testament to your strength and your patience. Mommy, without fail you are there when ever needed, no matter the circumstance. (except hospitals... You don't do hospitals.) You have the power to calm the most torrential internal storms that we face and you do not ever receive enough gratitude. Daddy, You took on the job of raising this chubby, oversensitive, ball of emotion without ever making me feel like I wasn't yours. You both are so wonderful. I love you.
Love, Brett.
Dear Wife,
What can I say that I don't tell you as often as I can already? You are stunning. You are everything to so many. You are the light that keeps me from forever falling into darkness. You are a voice of reason when the voices in my head are being unreasonable. You are force to be reckoned with, my love. Because of you, I serve a purpose. Because of you, the worst of days end with smiles and sound sleep. Because of you this little house remains strong and loving and beaming with possibility. The words "I love you" are not enough. My cup overflows.
Love, Brett.
Dear Emma,
Man, do we love you. And even though you are out in the world, doing you... Your face is missed. Your smile is missed. Your presence is missed. We spend countless minutes everyday worrying about you, thinking about you. In the end, we believe in you and that you will do the right things. We believe that you will be safe and smart.
Love, Brett.
Dear Drake,
You have single handedly, turned an angry, selfish and foolish man into a man with a mission. A mission of being the absolute best father the world has ever seen. You, my son have changed my life. You have given your broken down Daddy a reason to wake up everyday. To smile and laugh. You have given me a reason to see the beauty in all of the world around us. You will move mountains, my boy. I have no doubt.
Love, Daddy.
Dear the people that walked away,
You are missed. Maybe not as much as before. But still missed. I am flawed. You must not be. Why else would you be so unwilling to forgive? I look back at all of the situations that caused you all to walk away and process them over and over until I go crazy. But I am done with that now. I have always owned up to my shit and made sincere apologies as needed. After that, it's not my problem anymore. It's yours. May the sun shine brightly on all of you. May each day bring happiness and smiles. May you someday realize that you too are flawed and that you will require forgiveness from someone that you wronged... And may you get that forgiveness. Also know that these doors are always open. At no point would I not gladly welcome you with open arms.
Love, Brett.
Dear the people I walked away from,
Being myself, I am all too familiar with actions and words that require forgiveness from others. If I have walked away from you, it means that you are too toxic for forgiveness. Your adultery, sex triangles, child endangerment or whatever, was far too dangerous for me or my family to be around. Whatever it is that you have done wasn't a simple screw up or lack of judgement. It wasn't a misunderstanding or an argument between pals. Those are things easy to forgive and move on from... You are sick, twisted spawns of evil with no signs of being anything else.
Stay gone, Brett.
Dear World,
You are a beautiful place jammed packed with the worst sorts of ugly imaginable. Get your shit together.
Sincerely, Brett.
Dear Organized Religion,
You are a beautiful idea... On paper. Unfortunately, many of your followers can't read the blueprint. Therefore, as much as I enjoy the idea of a higher power belief system, my faith will remain with the Fonz. Get your shit together.
Sincerely, Brett.
Dear Friends,
You all deserve an award. You have stuck by a guy who. Is. Fucked. Up. You have decided to stick by a guy who's inner demons and lightning fast, foul mouth gets the better of him on a daily basis. You appreciate and love me for me and I promise to forever do the same for you. Sometimes your presence is the antidote to venom filled depression. You are all awesome. Not awesome like, "Hey this IPA beer is awesome"... But the true definition of the word. The power of the universe kind of awesome.
Love, Brett
Monday, April 6, 2015
A Little Thank You Note.
Ok, so... Long story short.
Lots of suck, depression, ended friendships, more depression... wash rinse and repeat.
With all of the battles and inner demons I have been fighting, things are finally on the mend and I have some people to thank for this. First, thank you to my wife. thank you for your love, your patience, your support, your wisdom and for blessing me with the opportunity to be your husband. Thank you to my therapist for the ear, the alternative view, your time and your confidence in my ability to overcome. Thank you to all of my family and friends that have stood by me, loved me and supported me.
For someone like me it is not easy to keep friends for a lifetime but amazingly... it does happen. I got some awesome messages over the last few weeks. Messages that put smiles on my face, tears in my eyes and wrinkles in my chin. I would like to take a moment to copy and paste some of them (without their permission) to illustrate how the power of love and compassion can pull someone out of a horrible depression. Sometimes, it only takes a few kind words to completely turn someone around.
From J.D.:
" I was just thinkin about you today Bro. I see you cutting through some rough waters here. I also see one of the strongest people I know standing up and doing what it takes to get through them. You have not been dealt an easy hand. Ever. But you always rise above. You look around and most importantly (and most difficult) you look at yourself. You've never been afraid to point the finger at yourself and say, "this is what needs to change". I've always wished I had more time for my close friends. It seems to be the same with all of us. We do what's required to keep bread on the table and try to spend the remaining hours with our wives and kids. I owe you so many thanks for saying that it's not acceptable and opening your home so that people will gather and spend time together. And I'm glad you seem to smell it on me that I'm still on you like jock itch on a football player. I really, really hope that moving away isn't what it takes for you to have the life you want. But if you do I'll pack boxes with you and love you from afar and talk to you when I can. I have your back. And while you're still within spitting distance don't you ever for one second think that I'm too busy. My family does need me home whenever I can be, but if I look at my wife and tell me my heterosexual life partner needs me she'll ask me what I'm still doing there talking to her. You need me, make my phone ring. Day or night. You get into a black pit again and I will walk out of work and drive straight to your house. I'll get out of my bed and drive to your house. You just need someone to sit in your basement and listen to records, I'll be there. I'm so glad that you're in another phase of making improvements to Brett. But don't go so far that you wreck yourself. You have always been a bombastic, opinionated individual. If sometimes you're a little over the top, then that's just the price of admission and most of us are glad to pay that price. My pride in you has only grown for three decades. You are at the top of the list of people in my life that I value and respect. I quote you to my friends and coworkers all the time. And the parts of you that have rubbed off on me have only made me a better person. Even more than my parents and grandparent you were the one that taught me how to give and to look out for people. You were the one that told me it's OK to throw your hands back and say, "Fuck it!" sometimes. You taught me how to fight stress with comedy and how to knock a bully down with a laugh. Whatever anyone tells you or makes you think about yourself you are an individual of the highest worth. I love you man."
From T.W.:
"I just had to tell you, I think you're such a great guy and I'm so glad you have such a beautiful life. I know it's hard, I guess Life can be hard regardless of who you are or how hard you try, but we definitely keep you in our prayers and really enjoy seeing the good things you've got going on on FB. Just so you know, you have fans in Virginia!"
From P.W.:
Hey there... I know we don't ea other that well, except for that our kids go to school together... Lol But, I just wanted to tell u how much I can relate to ur last post !! I've been going thru some wicked anxiety/depression which was probly more postpartum depression that really messed me up !!! But, I'm working on myself still... So I guess what I just wanna say is I know how tuff things can get & I just wanna say hang in there & try to keep the negative vibes away from urself !!!
From J.B.
"Brett. I have been paying attention to your posts and the blogs you have been putting up. I'm sorry that so many bad things have been happening to you. I was pretty pissed at you awhile back for the things you said about how we spoiled *****. I thought you were a dick and that you should mind your own business. At her birthday party this year we invited like 15 kids and only 3 of them showed up. She threw a temper tantrum and blamed us. My mother said pretty much the same thing you did. We spoiled her more and more every year and now this is how she acts when she doesn't get her way. It really started to sink in when she would freak out over dinner or losing a game. Then at Christmas we dialed it way back and she lost her mind. Anyway, what I am trying to say is that you weren't being dick. Well you were but you were honest. I guess the stuff you said was stuff we already knew but just didn't want to admit. I'm also sorry if us being mad at you or the way we handled it played a part in what you are going through. No one should be hated for being honest. Keep your chin up. I know that we aren't very close these days but we keep you and your family in our prayers."
From T.B.:
"Your an amazing father husband and friend!! Im proud to know you and wouldnt want you to change a thing. Always here if you need me for anything"
These are just a few of many I have received recently. I really can't thank you enough for taking some time out of your day to let me know that I am not alone. Letting me know that people do care, even if they aren't that close. Each positive message I received helped lift me from a horrible place. When someone is depressed, you really feel like the world is against you. One person being mad at you feels like a million. You really start to question your worth. And sometimes it only takes a few words to make someone feel like they are worth a lot. A few words to remind someone that they are important. So again. Thank you.
Cheers, to a new day!
Lots of suck, depression, ended friendships, more depression... wash rinse and repeat.
With all of the battles and inner demons I have been fighting, things are finally on the mend and I have some people to thank for this. First, thank you to my wife. thank you for your love, your patience, your support, your wisdom and for blessing me with the opportunity to be your husband. Thank you to my therapist for the ear, the alternative view, your time and your confidence in my ability to overcome. Thank you to all of my family and friends that have stood by me, loved me and supported me.
For someone like me it is not easy to keep friends for a lifetime but amazingly... it does happen. I got some awesome messages over the last few weeks. Messages that put smiles on my face, tears in my eyes and wrinkles in my chin. I would like to take a moment to copy and paste some of them (without their permission) to illustrate how the power of love and compassion can pull someone out of a horrible depression. Sometimes, it only takes a few kind words to completely turn someone around.
From J.D.:
" I was just thinkin about you today Bro. I see you cutting through some rough waters here. I also see one of the strongest people I know standing up and doing what it takes to get through them. You have not been dealt an easy hand. Ever. But you always rise above. You look around and most importantly (and most difficult) you look at yourself. You've never been afraid to point the finger at yourself and say, "this is what needs to change". I've always wished I had more time for my close friends. It seems to be the same with all of us. We do what's required to keep bread on the table and try to spend the remaining hours with our wives and kids. I owe you so many thanks for saying that it's not acceptable and opening your home so that people will gather and spend time together. And I'm glad you seem to smell it on me that I'm still on you like jock itch on a football player. I really, really hope that moving away isn't what it takes for you to have the life you want. But if you do I'll pack boxes with you and love you from afar and talk to you when I can. I have your back. And while you're still within spitting distance don't you ever for one second think that I'm too busy. My family does need me home whenever I can be, but if I look at my wife and tell me my heterosexual life partner needs me she'll ask me what I'm still doing there talking to her. You need me, make my phone ring. Day or night. You get into a black pit again and I will walk out of work and drive straight to your house. I'll get out of my bed and drive to your house. You just need someone to sit in your basement and listen to records, I'll be there. I'm so glad that you're in another phase of making improvements to Brett. But don't go so far that you wreck yourself. You have always been a bombastic, opinionated individual. If sometimes you're a little over the top, then that's just the price of admission and most of us are glad to pay that price. My pride in you has only grown for three decades. You are at the top of the list of people in my life that I value and respect. I quote you to my friends and coworkers all the time. And the parts of you that have rubbed off on me have only made me a better person. Even more than my parents and grandparent you were the one that taught me how to give and to look out for people. You were the one that told me it's OK to throw your hands back and say, "Fuck it!" sometimes. You taught me how to fight stress with comedy and how to knock a bully down with a laugh. Whatever anyone tells you or makes you think about yourself you are an individual of the highest worth. I love you man."
From T.W.:
"I just had to tell you, I think you're such a great guy and I'm so glad you have such a beautiful life. I know it's hard, I guess Life can be hard regardless of who you are or how hard you try, but we definitely keep you in our prayers and really enjoy seeing the good things you've got going on on FB. Just so you know, you have fans in Virginia!"
From P.W.:
Hey there... I know we don't ea other that well, except for that our kids go to school together... Lol But, I just wanted to tell u how much I can relate to ur last post !! I've been going thru some wicked anxiety/depression which was probly more postpartum depression that really messed me up !!! But, I'm working on myself still... So I guess what I just wanna say is I know how tuff things can get & I just wanna say hang in there & try to keep the negative vibes away from urself !!!
From J.B.
"Brett. I have been paying attention to your posts and the blogs you have been putting up. I'm sorry that so many bad things have been happening to you. I was pretty pissed at you awhile back for the things you said about how we spoiled *****. I thought you were a dick and that you should mind your own business. At her birthday party this year we invited like 15 kids and only 3 of them showed up. She threw a temper tantrum and blamed us. My mother said pretty much the same thing you did. We spoiled her more and more every year and now this is how she acts when she doesn't get her way. It really started to sink in when she would freak out over dinner or losing a game. Then at Christmas we dialed it way back and she lost her mind. Anyway, what I am trying to say is that you weren't being dick. Well you were but you were honest. I guess the stuff you said was stuff we already knew but just didn't want to admit. I'm also sorry if us being mad at you or the way we handled it played a part in what you are going through. No one should be hated for being honest. Keep your chin up. I know that we aren't very close these days but we keep you and your family in our prayers."
From T.B.:
"Your an amazing father husband and friend!! Im proud to know you and wouldnt want you to change a thing. Always here if you need me for anything"
These are just a few of many I have received recently. I really can't thank you enough for taking some time out of your day to let me know that I am not alone. Letting me know that people do care, even if they aren't that close. Each positive message I received helped lift me from a horrible place. When someone is depressed, you really feel like the world is against you. One person being mad at you feels like a million. You really start to question your worth. And sometimes it only takes a few words to make someone feel like they are worth a lot. A few words to remind someone that they are important. So again. Thank you.
Cheers, to a new day!
Tuesday, February 10, 2015
Just figuring out and fixing my shit.
Ok, so...
I have taken the last month or so to sit back, reflect, work on some issues and attempt to fix my shit.
Stayed away from get togethers. (with the exception of the Super Bowl) Stayed out of public. Deactivated Facebook. Kept my mouth shut. Ears open. I decided to stuff every day with nothing but my wife, my son and daily routine. I slowly tackled each of my mental issues with my wife and Grandmother. And I finally think I got some of my shit fixed.
Maybe someday, someone reading the silly things I post on the internet will be going through some similar crap and maybe my rambling will help.
So anyway... Rough couple months. It affected my personality. I pissed people off. I felt crappy about it. I apologized. I then became an introvert until I could figure out my shit. I definitely figured a lot of shit out in the last 30 days.
I figured out that when you are upset, Facebook is Satan. Because when you are feeling like the world hates you, every post, every meme, every quote and every rant is about you. Even if it isn't. Every post, meme, quote and rant is an attack on you. Even if it isn't. You are sure that they are because when one person is pissed at you EVERYONE must be pissed at you. Every one of these posts has GOT to be directed at you, even if your name is not tagged in it. So I deactivated for a while until I could wrap my head around the fact that every meme, quote, post and rant may not actually be about me.
Speaking of memes, I have also figured out that I may never post one ever if I can help it. Because when someone is depressed or upset or fighting... That someone is taking that meme wrong. Even if it a positive life quote, that someone thinks you are telling them how to live their life. When it is a meme about removing negativity from your life, that depressed person thinks that they are not worth being part of your life. With the exception the obvious comedy memes... a person struggling with self worth can feel like rock salt and razor blades were poured in their already bleeding wounds.
I figured out that I do not have the ability to hide my issues, slap on a fake smile and go around pretending that my life is nothing but rainbows and butterflies. I need to get it out. I need to talk about it. I need feedback from others so I can get through shit. Even if the feedback is not pleasant. Life is not puppies and ice cream all of the time. I figured out that I am blessed to have loving people to listen, understand, teach and advise me when I am struggling.
During the process of "getting it out" this time, I figured more shit out. Like the the fact that I am a opinionated, judgmental asshole. How did I figure this out? Because I have heard it so many times in the last month from the people closest to me that it must be true. My wife and my life long besties have confirmed it. I have also figured out that I hate this about me. So that is still a work in progress. It is a progress I am having a little trouble figuring out though... It seems if you have an opinion and voice it out loud, you are opinionated. If you have an opinion that is different than someone else's and voice it out loud, you are judgmental. and if you say anything negative about anything, anywhere... you are an asshole. How does one NOT be these things. Is it possible? If someone tells me that I am an opinionated, judgmental asshole, doesn't that make them opinionated and judgmental? Should I then be mad at them? If so, how do I have a relationship with anyone, ever? This paragraph exists because I am TRULY struggling with this right now. I have heard these terms used to describe me for 20 plus years. I don't want to be these things. These are not the adjectives I want to be associated with my name. When people say my name, I want them to smile, not growl. When my name comes up in a conversation, I want it to be a conversation of good time and happiness.
In the last month I figured out that the things in life that TRULY matter are the things that reside in these four walls that I am in right now. I figured out that I can no longer spend one more second being saddened, stressed and upset about people's opinion of me if they don't share the space in this house. Every second that I spend worrying about how others feel about me is another second that I did not devote to the people that love me unconditionally. It is squandered time and energy that should have been dedicated to my loving, devoted wife, my wide eyed compassionate son and the midget on the way!!
This month has forced me to take a good long look at my history. I don't have enough fingers to count the amount of friends and family that have vanished from my life. Whether it was me that walked away or them, the numbers seem uncountable. I did however figure out that the saying is true... The people that are meant to be in your life are going to be there. No matter what. There may be a couple rifts here and there, but when the smoke clears you will pick up right where you left off. A little wiser and with a little more understanding.
I figured out that when your kids grow up and do stupid shit... You blame yourself. But with the help of my very wise Grandma, I figured out that I am not to blame. My parents were not to blame for my stupid decisions and I am not to blame for my kid's. We did everything right. I know that now.
I figured out that my mouth has a way of spouting words before the the thought process has actually finished. This is something that I am forcing myself to take control of. It is the opposite of easy. Especially when beer is involved. However... It is something I am seriously being more aware of and working on.
It kills me how it is so easy for we humans to forget about all of the good things that people have done when they make a mistake. As if every good deed or act of kindness never existed the second they do something wrong. I have quite a list of "friends" that are no longer around because of my mistakes. People that decided all of the good things I have done were negated because of something I said. People that decided that their lives were better without me in it because I spoke before I thought. Or because my opinion was different than theirs. Or because maybe I pointed out some truth they didn't want to admit about themselves.
So finally I figured this out. Regardless of others opinions of me... I am pretty awesome. And I will remind myself of this when I struggle with self worth. I will remind myself of all the good I bring to the world around me. I will remind myself that the mistakes I make do NOT define me. I am a good person with some flaws. We are all humans and we are ALL flawed.
So, I finish this tonight feeling happy again, listening to my preggo wife and my son doing a puzzle in the next room. I finish this feeling blessed and loved and eager to jump into our next chapter. It is a great feeling. So again, to all the people I hurt during this "life nut punch" Thanks for sticking around and I promise to do the same for you when you are struggling. To those that are gone... Good luck to you. Your standards for friendship were unattainable for a guy like me. I understand and I hold no grudge.
On to my clean cup!!
I have taken the last month or so to sit back, reflect, work on some issues and attempt to fix my shit.
Stayed away from get togethers. (with the exception of the Super Bowl) Stayed out of public. Deactivated Facebook. Kept my mouth shut. Ears open. I decided to stuff every day with nothing but my wife, my son and daily routine. I slowly tackled each of my mental issues with my wife and Grandmother. And I finally think I got some of my shit fixed.
Maybe someday, someone reading the silly things I post on the internet will be going through some similar crap and maybe my rambling will help.
So anyway... Rough couple months. It affected my personality. I pissed people off. I felt crappy about it. I apologized. I then became an introvert until I could figure out my shit. I definitely figured a lot of shit out in the last 30 days.
I figured out that when you are upset, Facebook is Satan. Because when you are feeling like the world hates you, every post, every meme, every quote and every rant is about you. Even if it isn't. Every post, meme, quote and rant is an attack on you. Even if it isn't. You are sure that they are because when one person is pissed at you EVERYONE must be pissed at you. Every one of these posts has GOT to be directed at you, even if your name is not tagged in it. So I deactivated for a while until I could wrap my head around the fact that every meme, quote, post and rant may not actually be about me.
Speaking of memes, I have also figured out that I may never post one ever if I can help it. Because when someone is depressed or upset or fighting... That someone is taking that meme wrong. Even if it a positive life quote, that someone thinks you are telling them how to live their life. When it is a meme about removing negativity from your life, that depressed person thinks that they are not worth being part of your life. With the exception the obvious comedy memes... a person struggling with self worth can feel like rock salt and razor blades were poured in their already bleeding wounds.
I figured out that I do not have the ability to hide my issues, slap on a fake smile and go around pretending that my life is nothing but rainbows and butterflies. I need to get it out. I need to talk about it. I need feedback from others so I can get through shit. Even if the feedback is not pleasant. Life is not puppies and ice cream all of the time. I figured out that I am blessed to have loving people to listen, understand, teach and advise me when I am struggling.
During the process of "getting it out" this time, I figured more shit out. Like the the fact that I am a opinionated, judgmental asshole. How did I figure this out? Because I have heard it so many times in the last month from the people closest to me that it must be true. My wife and my life long besties have confirmed it. I have also figured out that I hate this about me. So that is still a work in progress. It is a progress I am having a little trouble figuring out though... It seems if you have an opinion and voice it out loud, you are opinionated. If you have an opinion that is different than someone else's and voice it out loud, you are judgmental. and if you say anything negative about anything, anywhere... you are an asshole. How does one NOT be these things. Is it possible? If someone tells me that I am an opinionated, judgmental asshole, doesn't that make them opinionated and judgmental? Should I then be mad at them? If so, how do I have a relationship with anyone, ever? This paragraph exists because I am TRULY struggling with this right now. I have heard these terms used to describe me for 20 plus years. I don't want to be these things. These are not the adjectives I want to be associated with my name. When people say my name, I want them to smile, not growl. When my name comes up in a conversation, I want it to be a conversation of good time and happiness.
In the last month I figured out that the things in life that TRULY matter are the things that reside in these four walls that I am in right now. I figured out that I can no longer spend one more second being saddened, stressed and upset about people's opinion of me if they don't share the space in this house. Every second that I spend worrying about how others feel about me is another second that I did not devote to the people that love me unconditionally. It is squandered time and energy that should have been dedicated to my loving, devoted wife, my wide eyed compassionate son and the midget on the way!!
This month has forced me to take a good long look at my history. I don't have enough fingers to count the amount of friends and family that have vanished from my life. Whether it was me that walked away or them, the numbers seem uncountable. I did however figure out that the saying is true... The people that are meant to be in your life are going to be there. No matter what. There may be a couple rifts here and there, but when the smoke clears you will pick up right where you left off. A little wiser and with a little more understanding.
I figured out that when your kids grow up and do stupid shit... You blame yourself. But with the help of my very wise Grandma, I figured out that I am not to blame. My parents were not to blame for my stupid decisions and I am not to blame for my kid's. We did everything right. I know that now.
I figured out that my mouth has a way of spouting words before the the thought process has actually finished. This is something that I am forcing myself to take control of. It is the opposite of easy. Especially when beer is involved. However... It is something I am seriously being more aware of and working on.
It kills me how it is so easy for we humans to forget about all of the good things that people have done when they make a mistake. As if every good deed or act of kindness never existed the second they do something wrong. I have quite a list of "friends" that are no longer around because of my mistakes. People that decided all of the good things I have done were negated because of something I said. People that decided that their lives were better without me in it because I spoke before I thought. Or because my opinion was different than theirs. Or because maybe I pointed out some truth they didn't want to admit about themselves.
So finally I figured this out. Regardless of others opinions of me... I am pretty awesome. And I will remind myself of this when I struggle with self worth. I will remind myself of all the good I bring to the world around me. I will remind myself that the mistakes I make do NOT define me. I am a good person with some flaws. We are all humans and we are ALL flawed.
So, I finish this tonight feeling happy again, listening to my preggo wife and my son doing a puzzle in the next room. I finish this feeling blessed and loved and eager to jump into our next chapter. It is a great feeling. So again, to all the people I hurt during this "life nut punch" Thanks for sticking around and I promise to do the same for you when you are struggling. To those that are gone... Good luck to you. Your standards for friendship were unattainable for a guy like me. I understand and I hold no grudge.
On to my clean cup!!
Tuesday, December 30, 2014
Hearing the shitty truth is awesome
Ok, so....
Rewind 14 years or so ago.... Bathing in self loathing and depression, I was a freshly wrist stitched, stomach pumped shell of a human being that could not find the silver lining in anything. I saw nothing good in anything or anyone. I projected my hatred for the world and the people on it onto pretty much everyone I came across. It was a truly dark and miserable time.
In therapy, my shrink would work with me on finding the root of my emotions. We would try to tackle the real source of the anger or the sadness and not just the event that triggered it. It worked for the most part. I still deal with things poorly sometimes but I am usually quick to figure it out, get to the root and and get myself back to a state of happiness with a sense of serenity.
Fast forward a few years.... I meet Sarah. I fall in love. Real love. I become a step father. We have Drago and I become a father. We buy a house. 2 cars. We have jobs we don't hate. We take vacations. We go camping. We have fun. We have a life that people dream of. And yet...
I was told by someone dear to me the other day that I have been miserable, opinionated and judgmental lately. I read these words from my phone screen and quickly realized... They were totally true.
I am a huge fan of the truth. No matter how shitty it may be. I am always appreciative when someone tells me the things that I need to hear. It allows me to sit back, reflect and figure myself out. I guess the point of me writing all of this down this time is because my head is so full I need categorize all of the things that have ripped me from my normally happy place. The thing about depression or getting sucked into a state of negativity is that you often don't realize that it is even happening. Kind of like getting fat. You need someone to point it out and take away your twinkies. So, If you are reading this please bare with me as I attempt to figure out the root of my current douchebaggery.
When your kids become adults and you lose the ability to control any aspect of their lives, you find yourself constantly worrying about things that are completely out of your control. When the adult child makes absolutely horrid, life altering decisions, you blame yourself and your parenting. Even though deep down you know you did everything you could to raise them right... You still blame yourself. (step 1, find the source of why I feel like a parenting failure)
Seasonal depression. Winter and I do not get along. Gray skies, bare trees, cold, cabin fever... I am one of those people that thrives in sunshine, green grass, bbq's. It is hard to get the smile off my face when I know it is going to be a beautiful day. The smiles get hard to come by in the WNY winter. (step 2, Find out why winter makes me sad)
Along with battling the winter blues, there is Christmas. I get excited about this holiday every year. I get excited about Christmas day, the smiles, the food and the time together. I get excited about this holiday every year... And every year the excitement is drained from my soul as each number on the countdown chain gets pulled down. If the holiday was what it is supposed to be you wouldn't be able scrape the smile off my face. You would tell me to shut up with the carols and joy.
But the holiday is not what it is supposed to be. Every day starting in November I consider deleting my Facebook account because I can't stand reading about the greed, the want lists, the materialistic gloating. We are constantly reading, hearing and complaining about emotionless, greedy, lazy millennials and here we are encouraging it with this years latest gadgets and toys. This year I even threw up in my mouth when people were posting all of their good deeds for attention. What is that? We need recognition for the good things we do for other people? (step 3, find the reason why I let other people's greed and need for attention bother me)
Fatty Mcfatty Fat pants. I am DISGUSTED with myself right now. I have gained 35 pounds in 2 years. 35 pounds!!!! I am so FREEKING LAZY. I never used to be this lazy. I look in the mirror and can't decide if I want to vomit or cry. It is my own fault. I blame no one. It is just a sickening feeling knowing that I have apparently given up. (step 3, find the root of my laziness and get my shit together)
And last but not least... Letting people down. Always been a struggle for me and unfortunately happens way more often than it should. My heart breaks knowing that I hurt someone I care about. I have yet to figure out how to deal with this. You can apologize from the bottom of your heart until your tongue gets sore but you can't make them accept your apology. With knowing and coming to terms with all of my flaws, I still can't handle knowing that I have hurt someone I love. I have always wanted to be the type of person that brings happiness to others. ( Hence the parties, being in the entertainment business, backyard drive ins and such)... But in the end I am still a loud, opinionated human being that does not really have a filter. So every now and then I hurt the people that all I want to do is make happy. I suppose that is why it is such a struggle. (step 4, Find the root of my inability to think before I speak)
Truth be told, I could go on for days about all the things I wish were different about myself. Some can be worked on... Others, maybe not so much. But I know for sure that when I leave this world, I do NOT want to be remembered for being a miserable, judgmental asshole. I will have to be remembered as opinionated because there is really no changing that. We are ALL opinionated. Some are just more vocal than others. I CAN work on my ability to keeping my opinions to myself... But I make no promises.
So I guess what I am getting at here (besides my own therapy) is that I, like every other human being on this planet have struggles that can sometimes change my demeanor and attitude. I need to remind myself of that every time that I come into contact with someone that is being an asshat. Perhaps he/she is struggling with some of life's nut punches. So if you took the time to read through my rambling and happen to be one of the people that I have let down while I am dealing with my own nut punches, I truly hope you can forgive me. Know that I am not as angry as I am coming off and that I have never purposely hurt anyone. Just like you, I have to remember who I am sometimes, and find the silver linings.
Hearing the shitty truth is awesome. So I am now on a little journey to re-find my happiness. I will start by taking in all that is awesome around me. My beautiful wife and my amazing son and our life together. Today I am focusing on all of the great people and things I am blessed with while I continue to find the causes of my heartache, deal with them and do my best to not let them ruin the relationships that I have built with so many great people.
Rewind 14 years or so ago.... Bathing in self loathing and depression, I was a freshly wrist stitched, stomach pumped shell of a human being that could not find the silver lining in anything. I saw nothing good in anything or anyone. I projected my hatred for the world and the people on it onto pretty much everyone I came across. It was a truly dark and miserable time.
In therapy, my shrink would work with me on finding the root of my emotions. We would try to tackle the real source of the anger or the sadness and not just the event that triggered it. It worked for the most part. I still deal with things poorly sometimes but I am usually quick to figure it out, get to the root and and get myself back to a state of happiness with a sense of serenity.
Fast forward a few years.... I meet Sarah. I fall in love. Real love. I become a step father. We have Drago and I become a father. We buy a house. 2 cars. We have jobs we don't hate. We take vacations. We go camping. We have fun. We have a life that people dream of. And yet...
I was told by someone dear to me the other day that I have been miserable, opinionated and judgmental lately. I read these words from my phone screen and quickly realized... They were totally true.
I am a huge fan of the truth. No matter how shitty it may be. I am always appreciative when someone tells me the things that I need to hear. It allows me to sit back, reflect and figure myself out. I guess the point of me writing all of this down this time is because my head is so full I need categorize all of the things that have ripped me from my normally happy place. The thing about depression or getting sucked into a state of negativity is that you often don't realize that it is even happening. Kind of like getting fat. You need someone to point it out and take away your twinkies. So, If you are reading this please bare with me as I attempt to figure out the root of my current douchebaggery.
When your kids become adults and you lose the ability to control any aspect of their lives, you find yourself constantly worrying about things that are completely out of your control. When the adult child makes absolutely horrid, life altering decisions, you blame yourself and your parenting. Even though deep down you know you did everything you could to raise them right... You still blame yourself. (step 1, find the source of why I feel like a parenting failure)
Seasonal depression. Winter and I do not get along. Gray skies, bare trees, cold, cabin fever... I am one of those people that thrives in sunshine, green grass, bbq's. It is hard to get the smile off my face when I know it is going to be a beautiful day. The smiles get hard to come by in the WNY winter. (step 2, Find out why winter makes me sad)
Along with battling the winter blues, there is Christmas. I get excited about this holiday every year. I get excited about Christmas day, the smiles, the food and the time together. I get excited about this holiday every year... And every year the excitement is drained from my soul as each number on the countdown chain gets pulled down. If the holiday was what it is supposed to be you wouldn't be able scrape the smile off my face. You would tell me to shut up with the carols and joy.
But the holiday is not what it is supposed to be. Every day starting in November I consider deleting my Facebook account because I can't stand reading about the greed, the want lists, the materialistic gloating. We are constantly reading, hearing and complaining about emotionless, greedy, lazy millennials and here we are encouraging it with this years latest gadgets and toys. This year I even threw up in my mouth when people were posting all of their good deeds for attention. What is that? We need recognition for the good things we do for other people? (step 3, find the reason why I let other people's greed and need for attention bother me)
Fatty Mcfatty Fat pants. I am DISGUSTED with myself right now. I have gained 35 pounds in 2 years. 35 pounds!!!! I am so FREEKING LAZY. I never used to be this lazy. I look in the mirror and can't decide if I want to vomit or cry. It is my own fault. I blame no one. It is just a sickening feeling knowing that I have apparently given up. (step 3, find the root of my laziness and get my shit together)
And last but not least... Letting people down. Always been a struggle for me and unfortunately happens way more often than it should. My heart breaks knowing that I hurt someone I care about. I have yet to figure out how to deal with this. You can apologize from the bottom of your heart until your tongue gets sore but you can't make them accept your apology. With knowing and coming to terms with all of my flaws, I still can't handle knowing that I have hurt someone I love. I have always wanted to be the type of person that brings happiness to others. ( Hence the parties, being in the entertainment business, backyard drive ins and such)... But in the end I am still a loud, opinionated human being that does not really have a filter. So every now and then I hurt the people that all I want to do is make happy. I suppose that is why it is such a struggle. (step 4, Find the root of my inability to think before I speak)
Truth be told, I could go on for days about all the things I wish were different about myself. Some can be worked on... Others, maybe not so much. But I know for sure that when I leave this world, I do NOT want to be remembered for being a miserable, judgmental asshole. I will have to be remembered as opinionated because there is really no changing that. We are ALL opinionated. Some are just more vocal than others. I CAN work on my ability to keeping my opinions to myself... But I make no promises.
So I guess what I am getting at here (besides my own therapy) is that I, like every other human being on this planet have struggles that can sometimes change my demeanor and attitude. I need to remind myself of that every time that I come into contact with someone that is being an asshat. Perhaps he/she is struggling with some of life's nut punches. So if you took the time to read through my rambling and happen to be one of the people that I have let down while I am dealing with my own nut punches, I truly hope you can forgive me. Know that I am not as angry as I am coming off and that I have never purposely hurt anyone. Just like you, I have to remember who I am sometimes, and find the silver linings.
Hearing the shitty truth is awesome. So I am now on a little journey to re-find my happiness. I will start by taking in all that is awesome around me. My beautiful wife and my amazing son and our life together. Today I am focusing on all of the great people and things I am blessed with while I continue to find the causes of my heartache, deal with them and do my best to not let them ruin the relationships that I have built with so many great people.
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