Ok, so....
Rewind 14 years or so ago.... Bathing in self loathing and depression, I was a freshly wrist stitched, stomach pumped shell of a human being that could not find the silver lining in anything. I saw nothing good in anything or anyone. I projected my hatred for the world and the people on it onto pretty much everyone I came across. It was a truly dark and miserable time.
In therapy, my shrink would work with me on finding the root of my emotions. We would try to tackle the real source of the anger or the sadness and not just the event that triggered it. It worked for the most part. I still deal with things poorly sometimes but I am usually quick to figure it out, get to the root and and get myself back to a state of happiness with a sense of serenity.
Fast forward a few years.... I meet Sarah. I fall in love. Real love. I become a step father. We have Drago and I become a father. We buy a house. 2 cars. We have jobs we don't hate. We take vacations. We go camping. We have fun. We have a life that people dream of. And yet...
I was told by someone dear to me the other day that I have been miserable, opinionated and judgmental lately. I read these words from my phone screen and quickly realized... They were totally true.
I am a huge fan of the truth. No matter how shitty it may be. I am always appreciative when someone tells me the things that I need to hear. It allows me to sit back, reflect and figure myself out. I guess the point of me writing all of this down this time is because my head is so full I need categorize all of the things that have ripped me from my normally happy place. The thing about depression or getting sucked into a state of negativity is that you often don't realize that it is even happening. Kind of like getting fat. You need someone to point it out and take away your twinkies. So, If you are reading this please bare with me as I attempt to figure out the root of my current douchebaggery.
When your kids become adults and you lose the ability to control any aspect of their lives, you find yourself constantly worrying about things that are completely out of your control. When the adult child makes absolutely horrid, life altering decisions, you blame yourself and your parenting. Even though deep down you know you did everything you could to raise them right... You still blame yourself. (step 1, find the source of why I feel like a parenting failure)
Seasonal depression. Winter and I do not get along. Gray skies, bare trees, cold, cabin fever... I am one of those people that thrives in sunshine, green grass, bbq's. It is hard to get the smile off my face when I know it is going to be a beautiful day. The smiles get hard to come by in the WNY winter. (step 2, Find out why winter makes me sad)
Along with battling the winter blues, there is Christmas. I get excited about this holiday every year. I get excited about Christmas day, the smiles, the food and the time together. I get excited about this holiday every year... And every year the excitement is drained from my soul as each number on the countdown chain gets pulled down. If the holiday was what it is supposed to be you wouldn't be able scrape the smile off my face. You would tell me to shut up with the carols and joy.
But the holiday is not what it is supposed to be. Every day starting in November I consider deleting my Facebook account because I can't stand reading about the greed, the want lists, the materialistic gloating. We are constantly reading, hearing and complaining about emotionless, greedy, lazy millennials and here we are encouraging it with this years latest gadgets and toys. This year I even threw up in my mouth when people were posting all of their good deeds for attention. What is that? We need recognition for the good things we do for other people? (step 3, find the reason why I let other people's greed and need for attention bother me)
Fatty Mcfatty Fat pants. I am DISGUSTED with myself right now. I have gained 35 pounds in 2 years. 35 pounds!!!! I am so FREEKING LAZY. I never used to be this lazy. I look in the mirror and can't decide if I want to vomit or cry. It is my own fault. I blame no one. It is just a sickening feeling knowing that I have apparently given up. (step 3, find the root of my laziness and get my shit together)
And last but not least... Letting people down. Always been a struggle for me and unfortunately happens way more often than it should. My heart breaks knowing that I hurt someone I care about. I have yet to figure out how to deal with this. You can apologize from the bottom of your heart until your tongue gets sore but you can't make them accept your apology. With knowing and coming to terms with all of my flaws, I still can't handle knowing that I have hurt someone I love. I have always wanted to be the type of person that brings happiness to others. ( Hence the parties, being in the entertainment business, backyard drive ins and such)... But in the end I am still a loud, opinionated human being that does not really have a filter. So every now and then I hurt the people that all I want to do is make happy. I suppose that is why it is such a struggle. (step 4, Find the root of my inability to think before I speak)
Truth be told, I could go on for days about all the things I wish were different about myself. Some can be worked on... Others, maybe not so much. But I know for sure that when I leave this world, I do NOT want to be remembered for being a miserable, judgmental asshole. I will have to be remembered as opinionated because there is really no changing that. We are ALL opinionated. Some are just more vocal than others. I CAN work on my ability to keeping my opinions to myself... But I make no promises.
So I guess what I am getting at here (besides my own therapy) is that I, like every other human being on this planet have struggles that can sometimes change my demeanor and attitude. I need to remind myself of that every time that I come into contact with someone that is being an asshat. Perhaps he/she is struggling with some of life's nut punches. So if you took the time to read through my rambling and happen to be one of the people that I have let down while I am dealing with my own nut punches, I truly hope you can forgive me. Know that I am not as angry as I am coming off and that I have never purposely hurt anyone. Just like you, I have to remember who I am sometimes, and find the silver linings.
Hearing the shitty truth is awesome. So I am now on a little journey to re-find my happiness. I will start by taking in all that is awesome around me. My beautiful wife and my amazing son and our life together. Today I am focusing on all of the great people and things I am blessed with while I continue to find the causes of my heartache, deal with them and do my best to not let them ruin the relationships that I have built with so many great people.
Tuesday, December 30, 2014
Monday, February 3, 2014
One right decision.
This afternoon I stopped in to spend some time with an old friend that is going through one of life's nut punches. We all go through them. We all handle them differently. But I think that we all need support to get through them. I sat and I listened to him tell me about the suck life is throwing at him. I called him out on the stupid things he said and offered any advice I could give him through my own experiences. We talked at length of rejection, depression, loneliness, anger. At one point in the depth of the conversation he told me that he was envious of my life. He wanted the happiness that I have.
I kind of shrugged it off and continued with the conversation hoping to understand his issues. I kept listening. I kept telling him things he probably didn't want to hear. The truth. I am very familiar with depression. I remember that when I was depressed I didn't care what anyone had to say. I didn't want to hear another cliche or another spout of the mouth telling me about how things will get better. I always liked to tell people to take their tired, regurgitated cliches and shove them up their sun-shiny, hippy asses. So, I figured all my words were falling upon deaf ears. Just as I was deaf when people were talking to me when I was a mess. Even though they were telling me the truth.
As I drove home, I kept thinking about our conversation. I kept thinking of how he said he was envious of what I had. I started to think about the road I had to take to get what I have. My whole broken world changed with one simple decision. I am a firm believer that everything that happens in our lives, happens because of the decisions that we make. We are all taught right from wrong early in our lives. After we are taught what is good and what is bad, it is up to us to make the right decisions.
When I was at my most broken point, I lived in bars, strip clubs, house parties. If I wasn't at work, I was drunk. ALL the time. I surrounded myself with drunks, druggies... losers. I spent every second of my free time drinking away all my sadness with a bunch of other miserable, drunk losers. Pretending we were happy to be in a room with a bunch strippers that were pretending to be attracted to us so we would give them more money. My sad existence of slipping folded dollar bills into some woman's garter while trying to ignore her track marks. Depression sucks, man.
My biological father never cared that I was alive. My ex wife took off to be with one of my "friends". I entered adulthood accomplishing absolutely nothing. I failed at everything I ever attempted. The people I considered my friends were just other lost, infantile, addicted, dependent idiots. I was the epitome of useless.
I was no one and I knew it. A pathetic sack of shit, surrounded by other sacks of shit. I ignored the actual true friends that I had because I didn't want to hear anymore cliches. I didn't want to hear another bible verse or feel good speech. I was depressed. Angry. Lonely. Suicidal. I was broken.
After a failed suicide attempt I spent a long time in therapy. After therapy I would usually go to a bar. Or a strip club. It felt great to get the ugly truths about myself out. But afterwards, I would still numb the sadness with booze, idiots and strippers. Enter my life changing decision.
This guy at work told me I should come hang out in his buddy's basement. They hang out. Laugh. Have a few and play video games. They listen to tunes and order pizza.
This was a Saturday. Every Saturday was stripper night. Work, shower, shave, titties, beer. Sunday was a repeat of Saturday just with football. So I did not have time to go sit in a basement with a bunch of dorks playing video games. This particular Saturday I showered headed toward the club. I stopped for gas. I payed for my gas, got back in my car and took off. Then I pulled over. I turned around, went back to the gas station, bought a 12 pack and went to this complete stranger's house. This was the decision that changed my life. I walked into this smokey basement to a group of about 7 cats just hanging out. I was introduced and welcomed. I cracked a beer and listened to them laugh. I chuckled as they busted each other's balls over a video game. They asked me questions about myself and I asked them some too. Before I knew it I had a controller in my hand getting my ass kicked in some wrestling game. None of them had addiction issues. None of them had crazy drama that comes with being... Ya know, crazy. None of them were suicidal. They were just happy to be alive and in each other's company. That decision led to 2 more in the same night. I decided I would be back to that house the next day and I decided to break off all relationships with the loser idiots that surrounded me and did nothing but keep me in such a dark place.
I still went to booby bars. I still went to local bars. It wasn't the same anymore. I wasn't going to drown my wah wah's anymore. I was going out with real friends. Truly enjoying other's company. Having real conversations about real topics. Enjoying intellectual stimulation with a group of people that simply just liked life and each other.
One good decision snowballs and leads to more good decision making opportunities. One of these kick ass dudes was an excellent drummer as his Pops was before him. Worked out well, because I needed a new drummer. So I made the decision to ask him to join. And for the next 7 years we rocked out together in an amazing band. Him joining the band brought more awesomeness. He landed himself a woman (that he would one day marry).One night his woman brought her sister to a show we were playing. This sister was the woman I would marry. This is the woman that I would have a son with. Buy a house with. Live the rest of my life with. This is the woman that I chose to grow up for. This is the woman that made me want to be the best husband and father I could possibly be.
One simple decision to not go to a titty bar. That is all it took. One right decision. That choice made it so much easier to make so many more right choices. My Mommy taught me right from wrong. All I had to do was choose to do the right thing.
So, don't be envious of my life, man. Don't want the things I have. Make the choices you know are right and go get the happiness you so desperately deserve.
I kind of shrugged it off and continued with the conversation hoping to understand his issues. I kept listening. I kept telling him things he probably didn't want to hear. The truth. I am very familiar with depression. I remember that when I was depressed I didn't care what anyone had to say. I didn't want to hear another cliche or another spout of the mouth telling me about how things will get better. I always liked to tell people to take their tired, regurgitated cliches and shove them up their sun-shiny, hippy asses. So, I figured all my words were falling upon deaf ears. Just as I was deaf when people were talking to me when I was a mess. Even though they were telling me the truth.
As I drove home, I kept thinking about our conversation. I kept thinking of how he said he was envious of what I had. I started to think about the road I had to take to get what I have. My whole broken world changed with one simple decision. I am a firm believer that everything that happens in our lives, happens because of the decisions that we make. We are all taught right from wrong early in our lives. After we are taught what is good and what is bad, it is up to us to make the right decisions.
When I was at my most broken point, I lived in bars, strip clubs, house parties. If I wasn't at work, I was drunk. ALL the time. I surrounded myself with drunks, druggies... losers. I spent every second of my free time drinking away all my sadness with a bunch of other miserable, drunk losers. Pretending we were happy to be in a room with a bunch strippers that were pretending to be attracted to us so we would give them more money. My sad existence of slipping folded dollar bills into some woman's garter while trying to ignore her track marks. Depression sucks, man.
My biological father never cared that I was alive. My ex wife took off to be with one of my "friends". I entered adulthood accomplishing absolutely nothing. I failed at everything I ever attempted. The people I considered my friends were just other lost, infantile, addicted, dependent idiots. I was the epitome of useless.
I was no one and I knew it. A pathetic sack of shit, surrounded by other sacks of shit. I ignored the actual true friends that I had because I didn't want to hear anymore cliches. I didn't want to hear another bible verse or feel good speech. I was depressed. Angry. Lonely. Suicidal. I was broken.
After a failed suicide attempt I spent a long time in therapy. After therapy I would usually go to a bar. Or a strip club. It felt great to get the ugly truths about myself out. But afterwards, I would still numb the sadness with booze, idiots and strippers. Enter my life changing decision.
This guy at work told me I should come hang out in his buddy's basement. They hang out. Laugh. Have a few and play video games. They listen to tunes and order pizza.
This was a Saturday. Every Saturday was stripper night. Work, shower, shave, titties, beer. Sunday was a repeat of Saturday just with football. So I did not have time to go sit in a basement with a bunch of dorks playing video games. This particular Saturday I showered headed toward the club. I stopped for gas. I payed for my gas, got back in my car and took off. Then I pulled over. I turned around, went back to the gas station, bought a 12 pack and went to this complete stranger's house. This was the decision that changed my life. I walked into this smokey basement to a group of about 7 cats just hanging out. I was introduced and welcomed. I cracked a beer and listened to them laugh. I chuckled as they busted each other's balls over a video game. They asked me questions about myself and I asked them some too. Before I knew it I had a controller in my hand getting my ass kicked in some wrestling game. None of them had addiction issues. None of them had crazy drama that comes with being... Ya know, crazy. None of them were suicidal. They were just happy to be alive and in each other's company. That decision led to 2 more in the same night. I decided I would be back to that house the next day and I decided to break off all relationships with the loser idiots that surrounded me and did nothing but keep me in such a dark place.
I still went to booby bars. I still went to local bars. It wasn't the same anymore. I wasn't going to drown my wah wah's anymore. I was going out with real friends. Truly enjoying other's company. Having real conversations about real topics. Enjoying intellectual stimulation with a group of people that simply just liked life and each other.
One good decision snowballs and leads to more good decision making opportunities. One of these kick ass dudes was an excellent drummer as his Pops was before him. Worked out well, because I needed a new drummer. So I made the decision to ask him to join. And for the next 7 years we rocked out together in an amazing band. Him joining the band brought more awesomeness. He landed himself a woman (that he would one day marry).One night his woman brought her sister to a show we were playing. This sister was the woman I would marry. This is the woman that I would have a son with. Buy a house with. Live the rest of my life with. This is the woman that I chose to grow up for. This is the woman that made me want to be the best husband and father I could possibly be.
One simple decision to not go to a titty bar. That is all it took. One right decision. That choice made it so much easier to make so many more right choices. My Mommy taught me right from wrong. All I had to do was choose to do the right thing.
So, don't be envious of my life, man. Don't want the things I have. Make the choices you know are right and go get the happiness you so desperately deserve.
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