Ok, so...
I have taken the last month or so to sit back, reflect, work on some issues and attempt to fix my shit.
Stayed away from get togethers. (with the exception of the Super Bowl) Stayed out of public. Deactivated Facebook. Kept my mouth shut. Ears open. I decided to stuff every day with nothing but my wife, my son and daily routine. I slowly tackled each of my mental issues with my wife and Grandmother. And I finally think I got some of my shit fixed.
Maybe someday, someone reading the silly things I post on the internet will be going through some similar crap and maybe my rambling will help.
So anyway... Rough couple months. It affected my personality. I pissed people off. I felt crappy about it. I apologized. I then became an introvert until I could figure out my shit. I definitely figured a lot of shit out in the last 30 days.
I figured out that when you are upset, Facebook is Satan. Because when you are feeling like the world hates you, every post, every meme, every quote and every rant is about you. Even if it isn't. Every post, meme, quote and rant is an attack on you. Even if it isn't. You are sure that they are because when one person is pissed at you EVERYONE must be pissed at you. Every one of these posts has GOT to be directed at you, even if your name is not tagged in it. So I deactivated for a while until I could wrap my head around the fact that every meme, quote, post and rant may not actually be about me.
Speaking of memes, I have also figured out that I may never post one ever if I can help it. Because when someone is depressed or upset or fighting... That someone is taking that meme wrong. Even if it a positive life quote, that someone thinks you are telling them how to live their life. When it is a meme about removing negativity from your life, that depressed person thinks that they are not worth being part of your life. With the exception the obvious comedy memes... a person struggling with self worth can feel like rock salt and razor blades were poured in their already bleeding wounds.
I figured out that I do not have the ability to hide my issues, slap on a fake smile and go around pretending that my life is nothing but rainbows and butterflies. I need to get it out. I need to talk about it. I need feedback from others so I can get through shit. Even if the feedback is not pleasant. Life is not puppies and ice cream all of the time. I figured out that I am blessed to have loving people to listen, understand, teach and advise me when I am struggling.
During the process of "getting it out" this time, I figured more shit out. Like the the fact that I am a opinionated, judgmental asshole. How did I figure this out? Because I have heard it so many times in the last month from the people closest to me that it must be true. My wife and my life long besties have confirmed it. I have also figured out that I hate this about me. So that is still a work in progress. It is a progress I am having a little trouble figuring out though... It seems if you have an opinion and voice it out loud, you are opinionated. If you have an opinion that is different than someone else's and voice it out loud, you are judgmental. and if you say anything negative about anything, anywhere... you are an asshole. How does one NOT be these things. Is it possible? If someone tells me that I am an opinionated, judgmental asshole, doesn't that make them opinionated and judgmental? Should I then be mad at them? If so, how do I have a relationship with anyone, ever? This paragraph exists because I am TRULY struggling with this right now. I have heard these terms used to describe me for 20 plus years. I don't want to be these things. These are not the adjectives I want to be associated with my name. When people say my name, I want them to smile, not growl. When my name comes up in a conversation, I want it to be a conversation of good time and happiness.
In the last month I figured out that the things in life that TRULY matter are the things that reside in these four walls that I am in right now. I figured out that I can no longer spend one more second being saddened, stressed and upset about people's opinion of me if they don't share the space in this house. Every second that I spend worrying about how others feel about me is another second that I did not devote to the people that love me unconditionally. It is squandered time and energy that should have been dedicated to my loving, devoted wife, my wide eyed compassionate son and the midget on the way!!
This month has forced me to take a good long look at my history. I don't have enough fingers to count the amount of friends and family that have vanished from my life. Whether it was me that walked away or them, the numbers seem uncountable. I did however figure out that the saying is true... The people that are meant to be in your life are going to be there. No matter what. There may be a couple rifts here and there, but when the smoke clears you will pick up right where you left off. A little wiser and with a little more understanding.
I figured out that when your kids grow up and do stupid shit... You blame yourself. But with the help of my very wise Grandma, I figured out that I am not to blame. My parents were not to blame for my stupid decisions and I am not to blame for my kid's. We did everything right. I know that now.
I figured out that my mouth has a way of spouting words before the the thought process has actually finished. This is something that I am forcing myself to take control of. It is the opposite of easy. Especially when beer is involved. However... It is something I am seriously being more aware of and working on.
It kills me how it is so easy for we humans to forget about all of the good things that people have done when they make a mistake. As if every good deed or act of kindness never existed the second they do something wrong. I have quite a list of "friends" that are no longer around because of my mistakes. People that decided all of the good things I have done were negated because of something I said. People that decided that their lives were better without me in it because I spoke before I thought. Or because my opinion was different than theirs. Or because maybe I pointed out some truth they didn't want to admit about themselves.
So finally I figured this out. Regardless of others opinions of me... I am pretty awesome. And I will remind myself of this when I struggle with self worth. I will remind myself of all the good I bring to the world around me. I will remind myself that the mistakes I make do NOT define me. I am a good person with some flaws. We are all humans and we are ALL flawed.
So, I finish this tonight feeling happy again, listening to my preggo wife and my son doing a puzzle in the next room. I finish this feeling blessed and loved and eager to jump into our next chapter. It is a great feeling. So again, to all the people I hurt during this "life nut punch" Thanks for sticking around and I promise to do the same for you when you are struggling. To those that are gone... Good luck to you. Your standards for friendship were unattainable for a guy like me. I understand and I hold no grudge.
On to my clean cup!!
