This afternoon I stopped in to spend some time with an old friend that is going through one of life's nut punches. We all go through them. We all handle them differently. But I think that we all need support to get through them. I sat and I listened to him tell me about the suck life is throwing at him. I called him out on the stupid things he said and offered any advice I could give him through my own experiences. We talked at length of rejection, depression, loneliness, anger. At one point in the depth of the conversation he told me that he was envious of my life. He wanted the happiness that I have.
I kind of shrugged it off and continued with the conversation hoping to understand his issues. I kept listening. I kept telling him things he probably didn't want to hear. The truth. I am very familiar with depression. I remember that when I was depressed I didn't care what anyone had to say. I didn't want to hear another cliche or another spout of the mouth telling me about how things will get better. I always liked to tell people to take their tired, regurgitated cliches and shove them up their sun-shiny, hippy asses. So, I figured all my words were falling upon deaf ears. Just as I was deaf when people were talking to me when I was a mess. Even though they were telling me the truth.
As I drove home, I kept thinking about our conversation. I kept thinking of how he said he was envious of what I had. I started to think about the road I had to take to get what I have. My whole broken world changed with one simple decision. I am a firm believer that everything that happens in our lives, happens because of the decisions that we make. We are all taught right from wrong early in our lives. After we are taught what is good and what is bad, it is up to us to make the right decisions.
When I was at my most broken point, I lived in bars, strip clubs, house parties. If I wasn't at work, I was drunk. ALL the time. I surrounded myself with drunks, druggies... losers. I spent every second of my free time drinking away all my sadness with a bunch of other miserable, drunk losers. Pretending we were happy to be in a room with a bunch strippers that were pretending to be attracted to us so we would give them more money. My sad existence of slipping folded dollar bills into some woman's garter while trying to ignore her track marks. Depression sucks, man.
My biological father never cared that I was alive. My ex wife took off to be with one of my "friends". I entered adulthood accomplishing absolutely nothing. I failed at everything I ever attempted. The people I considered my friends were just other lost, infantile, addicted, dependent idiots. I was the epitome of useless.
I was no one and I knew it. A pathetic sack of shit, surrounded by other sacks of shit. I ignored the actual true friends that I had because I didn't want to hear anymore cliches. I didn't want to hear another bible verse or feel good speech. I was depressed. Angry. Lonely. Suicidal. I was broken.
After a failed suicide attempt I spent a long time in therapy. After therapy I would usually go to a bar. Or a strip club. It felt great to get the ugly truths about myself out. But afterwards, I would still numb the sadness with booze, idiots and strippers. Enter my life changing decision.
This guy at work told me I should come hang out in his buddy's basement. They hang out. Laugh. Have a few and play video games. They listen to tunes and order pizza.
This was a Saturday. Every Saturday was stripper night. Work, shower, shave, titties, beer. Sunday was a repeat of Saturday just with football. So I did not have time to go sit in a basement with a bunch of dorks playing video games. This particular Saturday I showered headed toward the club. I stopped for gas. I payed for my gas, got back in my car and took off. Then I pulled over. I turned around, went back to the gas station, bought a 12 pack and went to this complete stranger's house. This was the decision that changed my life. I walked into this smokey basement to a group of about 7 cats just hanging out. I was introduced and welcomed. I cracked a beer and listened to them laugh. I chuckled as they busted each other's balls over a video game. They asked me questions about myself and I asked them some too. Before I knew it I had a controller in my hand getting my ass kicked in some wrestling game. None of them had addiction issues. None of them had crazy drama that comes with being... Ya know, crazy. None of them were suicidal. They were just happy to be alive and in each other's company. That decision led to 2 more in the same night. I decided I would be back to that house the next day and I decided to break off all relationships with the loser idiots that surrounded me and did nothing but keep me in such a dark place.
I still went to booby bars. I still went to local bars. It wasn't the same anymore. I wasn't going to drown my wah wah's anymore. I was going out with real friends. Truly enjoying other's company. Having real conversations about real topics. Enjoying intellectual stimulation with a group of people that simply just liked life and each other.
One good decision snowballs and leads to more good decision making opportunities. One of these kick ass dudes was an excellent drummer as his Pops was before him. Worked out well, because I needed a new drummer. So I made the decision to ask him to join. And for the next 7 years we rocked out together in an amazing band. Him joining the band brought more awesomeness. He landed himself a woman (that he would one day marry).One night his woman brought her sister to a show we were playing. This sister was the woman I would marry. This is the woman that I would have a son with. Buy a house with. Live the rest of my life with. This is the woman that I chose to grow up for. This is the woman that made me want to be the best husband and father I could possibly be.
One simple decision to not go to a titty bar. That is all it took. One right decision. That choice made it so much easier to make so many more right choices. My Mommy taught me right from wrong. All I had to do was choose to do the right thing.
So, don't be envious of my life, man. Don't want the things I have. Make the choices you know are right and go get the happiness you so desperately deserve.
