What This stay at home Dad desires

Ok, so.

    The other day a friend of mine posted this on her FB page....

"stay at home moms: i would like your feedback on this..what is the one thing that you desire the most from your husband other than the obvious to be loved?"

     It got me to thinking. For the most part, I am a stay at home Dad. So I should get a say in a question like that. Right?

     Well, after reading the comments she received, I realized how different men and women think.

      I can't think of anything I desire from my wife. (Besides the obvious) I can only think of things I want for my wife. I want for my wife to get the rest she desperately needs. I want my wife to come home to a home cooked meal after her 10 to 16 hour work day. I want for my wife to come home to a not trashed house. I want for my wife to come home from work and not have to do more  work.

     I want my wife to know how much I appreciate her for all the sacrifices she makes to keep a roof over our heads and all the food she keeps in our bellies. I want my wife to come home and feel how loved she really is.

     Man or woman, being the stay at home parent is never easy. (Unless you are a useless sack of a parent that pays no attention to your kids or your house). But on the other hand, is it easy working your ass off countless hours a day to keep your family afloat?

      One of the responses on her wall was consideration for how hard she works. I don't actually desire my wife to thank me for the work I do at home.  I think she does that by paying for the home. I think she does that by supplying us with the life we have. We all love to be appreciated but I don't need to hear the words when she shows me with her actions. I can't help but wonder if the stay at home parents that crave appreciation thank their spouses for working so hard to enable them to stay home. 

       Another response was that the woman wanted her husband to realize when she needed help. I agree with that one. However in my house we do this crazy thing called communicate. I don't expect my wife to pick up on my every want, I use my words, as does she. If I am losing it a little from the wee one or other's wee ones, I tell her. I don't expect her to figure it out. If she comes home from her 14 hour day and is too tired to deal with professor whiney pants... She tells me. Anyone that knows Sarah and I personally, knows first hand we love each other WAY TOO MUCH to not be up front with each other. After you say I DO... There should be no more guessing games.

        The best response on her post I think was conversation. I miss my wife so much sometimes while she is away. I want for her to hear all the things she missed that day. Mostly, I want for her to know that I am here for her to come home and unload on.  I think that as couples and to stay strong, conversation should always be a priority. Not a "listen to me because I feel neglected" conversation but an equal, 50/50 conversation about each others days, feelings and concerns. I know that's how we roll in this crib.

         As I read through this I can't help but feel like I am attacking the way some stay at home moms feel. Not what I was going for. I understand all of the responses I read, I just view them differently... Like I said, I realize how differently men and women think.

        I was married once before. I worked 2 to 3 jobs at a time so she didn't have to. She showed her appreciation by leaving me. Obviously we weren't doing things right. Now, Sarah and I do things different. I like to think we do them right.       

        When Sarah was in college, she also worked full time. She would go to school in Utica for 3 days at a time while I stayed home with a teenage daughter and a newborn son. When she came home she did her homework at night and would go to work all day. Not only did I stay home with Drake I watched our nieces and friends kids as well. It was my pleasure to do these things. Now she works anywhere from 10 to 16 hours a day. She works herself to exhaustion everyday so we have a home and food and so our son is not pawned off to babysitters or daycare centers. This is a choice we made together for the good of our family.  Still to this day I am honored be the stay at home parent. I am honored to keep the house in order. I am honored to do anything that helps make my wife's life easier.


 I don't desire anything from my full time working wife. I don't desire more love or more attention. I have no desire for her to come home from a long day and do more work.
         

My wife is not off at a party all day. She is working. She is not off to the spa. She is missing her son grow up. She's not out hanging with her friends all day. She's keeping us healthy. She's not off taking daily personal vacations. She is running her ass off to keep us happy. So no, I don't desire anything extra from my wife. My desire is that when she comes home she will feel at home and loved. 

  
      I know what it feels like to be lonely and overwhelmed. I know what it feels like to just wanna take a break and have some "me" time. I know what it feels like to want to book a vacation because I miss my spouse. HOWEVER... I also know how it feels to work 70+ hours a week. I also know how it feels to work all day and come home to more work. I also know how it feels to feel like you are missing out on life's gifts because all you do is work. 

       I also know that raising a family is not easy. For anyone. I know at times we need a little extra from our partners. I know to get that little extra we need to use our voices because no one has esp. I also know that we need to constantly put ourselves in the other one's shoes to keep our selfishness in check. 

       So keep strong "Stay At Homers". Be strong for yourself and be strong for your hard working spouse. While you are getting tired from raising your children your spouse is missing out on it.

Our Incessant Whining.

Ok So...


        If you are on the old FB, you are familiar with the constant never ending whining. From the "My Job Sucks", to the "My boyfriend sucks". The countless UGH's and the FML's. Never ending money rants. My children are driving me crazy posts. We whine about broken cars. Kitchen appliances. Our weight. Our families. Our so called friends. We whine about our neighbors. Our neighborhoods. Other people's neighborhoods. We whine about the weather. Our messed up plans. Our lack of sleep. We whine about the tv shows we watch.

         We are friggin whiners. BIG TIME. I whine ALL THE TIME!! I always have. I whine about the stupidest stuff. Mostly work. I whine about people that I only have to see for 6 hours a day, 3 days a week. I whine about crappy DJ gigs. I whine about crappy situations that I put myself in. I whine about my lawn that just won't frigging grow the way I want it to because as soon as the grass starts to grow some gas company, electric company, septic company or the DOT shows up and digs it all up!!

We whine.

          The coolest part of being a wedding DJ is the people I meet. Every year I get to meet hundreds of new people. Every now and then I spend an evening with people that really leave a mark in my way of thinking.

         This past summer I was DJing a wedding and the father of the bride was one of these people. Man, he was one cool cat. This guy was all smiles. Beer in hand. Telling jokes. Proud of his family. Looking very dapper in a killer suit. He was shaking hands, thanking people for coming. He was rockin' the dance floor. The wedding party was a cool group of people but this guy really making the night for me.

          You see... This man was diagnosed with terminal cancer and had a matter of weeks to live. Everyone in the room knew his condition.

           When it came time to do the Father / Daughter dance, everyone in the room was in tears. Even me. Everyone was crying except him. He was smiling from ear to ear.

            This cool cat was alive. He was able to walk his daughter down the aisle. He watched all his children grow up. He was alive. He was there with his wonderful wife, all his kids and all their friends and family. He lived a kick ass life surrounded by kick ass people. He was celebrating an awesome event with pure awesomeness. He wasn't whining.

              The one person in the room that had a real, honest to goodness reason to whine...wasn't. The one guy in the room who had an actual situation to bitch about...didn't. He had all the reasons in the world to be angry, sad, bitter, hurt... just flat out pissed. He wasn't.

              He was happy. I can't help but think that he knew in the back of his head that was the last dance he would dance with his daughter. The last party he would share with his family and friends. This guy was truly happy.

             Now, I don't know how he was before this night. I didn't really know him personally. All I know as that on this night he was the definition of a happy man. He really made an impact on me that night. I have noticed a change in myself ever since that night. All of the things that I whine about have become so trivial. Material things mean so little these days.

              I used to spend so much energy whining about broken toys, stained carpets, uneven grass, lousy co workers, busy work days, the lack of hockey, loud bass loving neighbors and the price of gas. It all seems so small now.
               I spent a lot of time going to a shrink and anger management when I was younger because I had such a hard time dealing with rejection. I had Daddy issues and ex wife issues. The feeling of being unloved was really hard for me to handle. Even after all the therapy...I struggled with depression. But all those hiccups that life gave me seem really small to me now. I look at my wife. I look at my kids. I look at my awesome support system and realize how truly blessed I am.

               I am alive right now. I am watching my family grow. I love "my people". I am loved back. I think about how calm, cool and happy that guy was knowing that his time here was almost over and suddenly The Bass next door seems quieter. My job seems easier. The grass seems to be leveling itself out.

               People. We are alive right now. We have air in our lungs. We have people that love us. Every minute we spend whining is one more minute we didn't spend enjoying it. The people that steal our happiness will eventually go away. The bills we have will eventually get paid. The bad relationships will get fixed or end.
Our time here is limited. I have found a new perspective. I will whine. For sure. I'm a whiner. But I know that my whining will be short lived. I will also do my very best to keep it to myself. I don't want to waste time whining and I don't want to waste other people's time by making them read about it or listening to it.