What This stay at home Dad desires

Ok, so.

    The other day a friend of mine posted this on her FB page....

"stay at home moms: i would like your feedback on this..what is the one thing that you desire the most from your husband other than the obvious to be loved?"

     It got me to thinking. For the most part, I am a stay at home Dad. So I should get a say in a question like that. Right?

     Well, after reading the comments she received, I realized how different men and women think.

      I can't think of anything I desire from my wife. (Besides the obvious) I can only think of things I want for my wife. I want for my wife to get the rest she desperately needs. I want my wife to come home to a home cooked meal after her 10 to 16 hour work day. I want for my wife to come home to a not trashed house. I want for my wife to come home from work and not have to do more  work.

     I want my wife to know how much I appreciate her for all the sacrifices she makes to keep a roof over our heads and all the food she keeps in our bellies. I want my wife to come home and feel how loved she really is.

     Man or woman, being the stay at home parent is never easy. (Unless you are a useless sack of a parent that pays no attention to your kids or your house). But on the other hand, is it easy working your ass off countless hours a day to keep your family afloat?

      One of the responses on her wall was consideration for how hard she works. I don't actually desire my wife to thank me for the work I do at home.  I think she does that by paying for the home. I think she does that by supplying us with the life we have. We all love to be appreciated but I don't need to hear the words when she shows me with her actions. I can't help but wonder if the stay at home parents that crave appreciation thank their spouses for working so hard to enable them to stay home. 

       Another response was that the woman wanted her husband to realize when she needed help. I agree with that one. However in my house we do this crazy thing called communicate. I don't expect my wife to pick up on my every want, I use my words, as does she. If I am losing it a little from the wee one or other's wee ones, I tell her. I don't expect her to figure it out. If she comes home from her 14 hour day and is too tired to deal with professor whiney pants... She tells me. Anyone that knows Sarah and I personally, knows first hand we love each other WAY TOO MUCH to not be up front with each other. After you say I DO... There should be no more guessing games.

        The best response on her post I think was conversation. I miss my wife so much sometimes while she is away. I want for her to hear all the things she missed that day. Mostly, I want for her to know that I am here for her to come home and unload on.  I think that as couples and to stay strong, conversation should always be a priority. Not a "listen to me because I feel neglected" conversation but an equal, 50/50 conversation about each others days, feelings and concerns. I know that's how we roll in this crib.

         As I read through this I can't help but feel like I am attacking the way some stay at home moms feel. Not what I was going for. I understand all of the responses I read, I just view them differently... Like I said, I realize how differently men and women think.

        I was married once before. I worked 2 to 3 jobs at a time so she didn't have to. She showed her appreciation by leaving me. Obviously we weren't doing things right. Now, Sarah and I do things different. I like to think we do them right.       

        When Sarah was in college, she also worked full time. She would go to school in Utica for 3 days at a time while I stayed home with a teenage daughter and a newborn son. When she came home she did her homework at night and would go to work all day. Not only did I stay home with Drake I watched our nieces and friends kids as well. It was my pleasure to do these things. Now she works anywhere from 10 to 16 hours a day. She works herself to exhaustion everyday so we have a home and food and so our son is not pawned off to babysitters or daycare centers. This is a choice we made together for the good of our family.  Still to this day I am honored be the stay at home parent. I am honored to keep the house in order. I am honored to do anything that helps make my wife's life easier.


 I don't desire anything from my full time working wife. I don't desire more love or more attention. I have no desire for her to come home from a long day and do more work.
         

My wife is not off at a party all day. She is working. She is not off to the spa. She is missing her son grow up. She's not out hanging with her friends all day. She's keeping us healthy. She's not off taking daily personal vacations. She is running her ass off to keep us happy. So no, I don't desire anything extra from my wife. My desire is that when she comes home she will feel at home and loved. 

  
      I know what it feels like to be lonely and overwhelmed. I know what it feels like to just wanna take a break and have some "me" time. I know what it feels like to want to book a vacation because I miss my spouse. HOWEVER... I also know how it feels to work 70+ hours a week. I also know how it feels to work all day and come home to more work. I also know how it feels to feel like you are missing out on life's gifts because all you do is work. 

       I also know that raising a family is not easy. For anyone. I know at times we need a little extra from our partners. I know to get that little extra we need to use our voices because no one has esp. I also know that we need to constantly put ourselves in the other one's shoes to keep our selfishness in check. 

       So keep strong "Stay At Homers". Be strong for yourself and be strong for your hard working spouse. While you are getting tired from raising your children your spouse is missing out on it.

Our Incessant Whining.

Ok So...


        If you are on the old FB, you are familiar with the constant never ending whining. From the "My Job Sucks", to the "My boyfriend sucks". The countless UGH's and the FML's. Never ending money rants. My children are driving me crazy posts. We whine about broken cars. Kitchen appliances. Our weight. Our families. Our so called friends. We whine about our neighbors. Our neighborhoods. Other people's neighborhoods. We whine about the weather. Our messed up plans. Our lack of sleep. We whine about the tv shows we watch.

         We are friggin whiners. BIG TIME. I whine ALL THE TIME!! I always have. I whine about the stupidest stuff. Mostly work. I whine about people that I only have to see for 6 hours a day, 3 days a week. I whine about crappy DJ gigs. I whine about crappy situations that I put myself in. I whine about my lawn that just won't frigging grow the way I want it to because as soon as the grass starts to grow some gas company, electric company, septic company or the DOT shows up and digs it all up!!

We whine.

          The coolest part of being a wedding DJ is the people I meet. Every year I get to meet hundreds of new people. Every now and then I spend an evening with people that really leave a mark in my way of thinking.

         This past summer I was DJing a wedding and the father of the bride was one of these people. Man, he was one cool cat. This guy was all smiles. Beer in hand. Telling jokes. Proud of his family. Looking very dapper in a killer suit. He was shaking hands, thanking people for coming. He was rockin' the dance floor. The wedding party was a cool group of people but this guy really making the night for me.

          You see... This man was diagnosed with terminal cancer and had a matter of weeks to live. Everyone in the room knew his condition.

           When it came time to do the Father / Daughter dance, everyone in the room was in tears. Even me. Everyone was crying except him. He was smiling from ear to ear.

            This cool cat was alive. He was able to walk his daughter down the aisle. He watched all his children grow up. He was alive. He was there with his wonderful wife, all his kids and all their friends and family. He lived a kick ass life surrounded by kick ass people. He was celebrating an awesome event with pure awesomeness. He wasn't whining.

              The one person in the room that had a real, honest to goodness reason to whine...wasn't. The one guy in the room who had an actual situation to bitch about...didn't. He had all the reasons in the world to be angry, sad, bitter, hurt... just flat out pissed. He wasn't.

              He was happy. I can't help but think that he knew in the back of his head that was the last dance he would dance with his daughter. The last party he would share with his family and friends. This guy was truly happy.

             Now, I don't know how he was before this night. I didn't really know him personally. All I know as that on this night he was the definition of a happy man. He really made an impact on me that night. I have noticed a change in myself ever since that night. All of the things that I whine about have become so trivial. Material things mean so little these days.

              I used to spend so much energy whining about broken toys, stained carpets, uneven grass, lousy co workers, busy work days, the lack of hockey, loud bass loving neighbors and the price of gas. It all seems so small now.
               I spent a lot of time going to a shrink and anger management when I was younger because I had such a hard time dealing with rejection. I had Daddy issues and ex wife issues. The feeling of being unloved was really hard for me to handle. Even after all the therapy...I struggled with depression. But all those hiccups that life gave me seem really small to me now. I look at my wife. I look at my kids. I look at my awesome support system and realize how truly blessed I am.

               I am alive right now. I am watching my family grow. I love "my people". I am loved back. I think about how calm, cool and happy that guy was knowing that his time here was almost over and suddenly The Bass next door seems quieter. My job seems easier. The grass seems to be leveling itself out.

               People. We are alive right now. We have air in our lungs. We have people that love us. Every minute we spend whining is one more minute we didn't spend enjoying it. The people that steal our happiness will eventually go away. The bills we have will eventually get paid. The bad relationships will get fixed or end.
Our time here is limited. I have found a new perspective. I will whine. For sure. I'm a whiner. But I know that my whining will be short lived. I will also do my very best to keep it to myself. I don't want to waste time whining and I don't want to waste other people's time by making them read about it or listening to it.

What the hell are we doing?

Ok. So.

           I actually forgot I had a blog. But, in the meantime I gathered some thoughts that I feel I could rant and rave about.

         Drake has officially started school and I have been introduced to 14 other sets of parents and their children. I cook part time in a restaurant where I am introduced to hundreds of parents and their children. As I spend more time with other parents and their children, I can't stop thinking... What the hell are we doing?

         When the hell did we stop being parents? When did we stop teaching and setting examples? When the hell did we stop molding well mannered, respectful children?

          On Drake's second day of school he said there was a boy that is rotten to him. He is 3. Why should any 3 year old feel disliked? This boy called him names and made fun of him only after knowing him for 4 hours. After speaking with Drake's teacher about how he was handling school, she told me that he hasn't said a word and that he has just sat back and had been soaking it all in. So how is it that some kid can just decide he hates another kid when he knows nothing about him?

           I watch teenagers come into the restaurant on a daily basis dropping the F - bomb every other word when they are surrounded by toddlers and senior citizens. They openly make fun of the people around them with no consideration of their feelings. These same kids show up at 3 o'clock in the morning drunk off their faces and are even more rude and obnoxious.

           The new fashion trend is to not have clothes on at all. I didn't even know they made denim underwear. They obviously do because that is what these girls are wearing out in public. Not to mention that no teenage boy has to wonder what they look like naked because they basically are.

            I read an article the other day about the rise in sexual assault cases in the United States. Are any of us surprised? I'm not. The same article talked about sexting and skype and self shooting nude pictures. We hand our kids $500 cell phones and send them on their way. This is what our kids are doing with these phones. Then we want to sue everyone because our kids took naked pictures of themselves and sent it to their temporary boyfriends. Then those boyfriends send it to their buddies and eventually on to the all powerful internet. Weird... Perhaps these parents should be suing themselves for raising classless, self respect lacking children. MY OPINION is that when our daughters are not taught to respect themselves and run around and post pictures in next to nothing they are more likely to put themselves in a dangerous situation.   Our sons need to be taught what men are supposed to be. They need to be taught that women are not trophies. They are not sex objects. They need to be taught that there is a special place in hell for rapists. They need to be taught that being a man is not being a hard ass or a chick magnet. We need to raise our sons to be respectful, loving, caring men. Men that love and honor their wives. Men that are not afraid to hug and kiss their children.


              Why is it that our kids have no self respect? Why don't they have any class? Because we didn't fricken teach them any. When did this happen? When did we stop teaching our daughters about class and being "lady like"? When did we stop teaching them about the importance of self respect and loving yourself first. When did we stop giving them morals? When did we stop raising our boys to be gentlemen? When did we make it ok to treat women like  objects?


              Like everyone else in the country, I watched the video of the bullied school bus monitor. And I read the hundreds of articles about young children committing suicide because of being bullied. I have witnessed in person the new brutality of bullying. It's not bullying anymore. It is flat out hate crime.
I was bullied as a kid. I was over weight. I had a stupid haircut and my parents never once bought me a named brand article of clothing. This led to book spills, name calling and the occasional trip to the flagpole. That was bullying. The end result was that I became a bully's bully. I lost a bunch of weight, grew about 2 feet and stopped being the target. Instead, I stuck up for those who couldn't stick up for themselves.

         Where did that go? Where did the heroes go? Wait, forget the heroes... When did we stop teaching our kids to NOT be wretched balls of hate? When did we stop yanking the silver spoons out of our kid's mouths? When did we suddenly decide to teach our children that they are better than everyone else? When did we start giving in to every demand? When did we rid the world of consequence? When did we stop being parents?

          That really is it, isn't it? We aren't our children's parents anymore. We are their buddies. Their pals. Their peers. We no longer teach them the dangers of drugs, booze or being promiscuous. We smoke weed with them, host their parties and let their boyfriends and girlfriend spend the night. We buy their birth control. We take them to the mall and buy their name brand, see-through clothes. Then, when we decide that we can't handle their behavior anymore we throw them out. Or we put them in the system that is a proven failure. Or we bark at the government to correct our failures as parents. We no longer take the steps needed to be real parents. We give up. We give in.

             As each generation of new parents arise, one phrase is always repeated. " I am not going to be as strict as my parents were".

             Well, I think we have reached the point where there is no strictness anymore. Our kids are born and we love them sooooooooooooo much because they are babies. We love them soooooooooooo much as they grow because they are so cute and they say the cutest things and they are dependent on us. We love them soooooooooooooo much because they are little and we want to give them the world. And then they get older. We loved them sooooooooooooooooooo much that they now expect the world. Their wants are now more important than their needs. We have spoiled them so badly that they no longer are grateful for anything.
Their whole lives the entire world has revolved around them. We were loving them soooooooooooooo much that we forgot to teach them that it actually doesn't.

                So, now what does a spoiled kid do when they don't get what they want?  They get angry. Then the angry kids take their anger out on every one around them. Especially the weaker ones.

               We did this. We taught our children that the world revolves around them. We have taught them that when you can't handle a situation, you give up and walk away from it. We taught them to think they are better than others. We taught them that material things are more important than emotional ones. We taught them these things because these are the examples we have set.

                We have decided that it is our school's responsibility to teach our kids right from wrong. We have decided that it is our teacher's fault that they suck at school. We have decided that it is up to our schools to fight the anti bullying fight. And somehow we have decided it is up to everyone else to teach our kids morality.

                Wake up ASSHATS. It is a PARENT'S job to do all of these things. I will spend every second of my life making damn sure that my children understand the pain that they could cause others by being a bully. I will make damn sure that my son knows that girls are not sex objects. My children will have it bashed into their heads the importance of being respectful and helpful, not selfish and greedy. I will teach them that every lie has a consequence. Now that my daughter is grown up I hope we have taught her the importance of having some class. I will spend my whole life making damn sure that they know the world does not revolve around them alone. If I fail, then I know that it was me that failed. Not the schools. Not the government and not the teachers. If I fail, I will do everything my power to help correct my mistakes. I will do my best to show them the correct path. I will never give up on them. I will never throw them out into the world without the tools they need to be useful parts of society.

                To my children. There is no words to express how much I love you. I love you so much that I will be up your ass your whole lives. I will be honest with you in every situation we come across. I will give you the best advice I can to lead you in the right direction. I will do the best I can to teach you right from wrong. I will do my best to install all the morals that my parents have installed in me. I also promise that in every wrong decision, every failure and every dropped ball... I will love as much as I always have.

Your name is Whaaaaa?

Ok so... For almost 5 years now my last name has been Orr.

Still I get
What's with the name change?
Your name is what?
Brett Or What? (haha... You are funny.)

So for anyone that is that interested in my little life and wonders what the name change was all about, allow me to explain.

In no way did I change my name to hurt anyone's feelings or make a point or to get out of speeding tickets.
The story of the name change goes like this.

 My whole life I carried the last name of people that I never really knew. As billions of kids do, I came from divorced parents. At no point in my life did I ever connect with that side of my family. No matter how many times I tried. It never happened. I watch all kinds of kids going through this. Parents split up, one gets custody and the other starts a new family almost forgetting that the other kids even exist. Sucks. But it happens.

Here where my story is a touch different. Before I could even remember a memory I had my step dad. A step dad that not ever even once treated me like I wasn't his. I grew up with him. He loved me. He scolded me. He was proud of me. He was disappointed in me. He checked my homework. He helped me study. He taught me right from wrong. He told me where babies come from. He taught me how to throw a football. He came to my swim meets. He came to my plays. He bought me my first drum set. My first guitar. My first keyboard. He fixed my cars. Taught me about engines. Cooked me fried macaroni. A Lot. He taught me how to treat a woman. He taught me how to be a man.

He taught me everything I know about being a good person. A good husband. A good father. Everything I have good inside me came from him. (and my Mom of course)

Almost 5 years ago Sarah told me she was pregnant. We were going to have a son. He was going to have everything good in him that I had in me. And he was going to be named after the man that I got it all from.

That is why my name changed.

The Sunday Fundays

Ok. So.

     It is no secret that I have an addiction issue when it comes to being surrounded by people I like.
When you travel through life you meet some wonderful people that you truly enjoy spending your time with. Nothing makes me more sad than when these people disappear from our lives because of life. We grow up. We get married. We have kids. We move away. Whatever the case... It makes me sad.

     Well... I don't give up that easily. I don't except the life is busy excuse.

So in this little family of mine we listened to Ferris when he said..."Life moves pretty fast, if you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it."

      So every Sunday we stop to look around.

Let's face it. Life is hectic. Life is not all rainbows and butterflies. It is work. Kids. Mortgage. Bills. Cleaning. Laundry. Work.  Dishes. Taxes. Work. Crying. Whining. Work. Rushing. Deadlines. Driving. Picking up. Dropping Off. Work. Cooking. Yelling. Attitudes. Weeding. Mowing. Work.

       So every Sunday, we stop to look around.

Here is the tricky part about Sunday fundays. Not everyone feels it. I understand that. They don't need to.
"Alexander is a long drive." "Can't drink if I go." "Too many kids." "I don't really know everyone."

Let's get one thing clear. As much as I love stopping to look around with all the friends and family I have acquired over the years... I don't want anyone to feel obligated to come here to our little get togethers. The last thing that should ever happen at a Sunday Funday, is complaining. It is meant to be a sit back and relax, catch up, share stories, watch the kiddies play, eat some grub and perhaps a few cocktails kinda thing. If Sunday Funday is an inconvenience to you and yours... Don't feel obligated to come.

I will not love you any less.

Here is how Sunday goes for me. I work on the weekends in a hot gross kitchen. Sundays are a non stop, hot, sweaty, frustrating feed the masses kind of day. At 3 o'clock when my shift ends... This is what is going to happen. I am going to come home. I am going to be greeted by my smiling son. Kiss and hug my beautiful wife. Then I am going to take a shower. After that I am going to enjoy this life we have built. I will fire up the grill. Open a beer from the stocked beer fridge and I will take in the blessings we have been given. If you want to be a part of this then, as always our doors are open. If not. Do your "thing". That thing that keeps you sane. Don't ever feel obligated or guilted in to coming here.

I promise I will not love you any less.

Blogging... Really? Who is this guy?

Ok so...

          By the suggestion of my usually correct wife, I have started to "blog". Whatever that means. She says I have a lot to say and that I should start a blog to say it. Some of my besties rock a blog. So why not me?

Where to start?

....Perhaps how I turned into the person I am?

Well in short. I grew up in a pretty loving home. There was no shortage of hugs, kisses or encouragement. My mother was a slave to the restaurant industry. (apples don't fall far) My Dad was a sheriff. Then a captain, then a chief deputy, then a accident re constructionist, then a judge. There was a tv maker, handy man and some other odd jobs in there too somewhere. I have 3 older step siblings that are all smarter than I am. I didn't really connect with them until adulthood. I don't really know why so much.

      I have a sister that I was always connected with. She has always been the one that protected me or the one the beat the shit out of me. She was always way more rambunctious than I ever was. Always popular. Always the center of a room. I think like most siblings, we have our moments of pure dislike and our moments of not wanting to talk to anyone but each other. I'm sure she will come up a lot more if I continue with this whole blog thing.

       I also have a family I actually know nothing about. I have a father and a step mother. I have 2 half brothers. I never connected with them. I mean I went there every other weekend for a while. But never connected. This created some Daddy doesn't love me issues but eventually I found a pretty awesome shrink. I think I would like to connect with all of them before I die. Anyway, that's a whole story in itself.

       I sucked a school. Well, toward the end anyway. I started working as soon as I was allowed and pretty much just wanted to work and make music.

         Then... I unknowingly ran away from home on a quest to become famous. I did this with a group of people that I probably should not have ran away with. I live back in Alexander...So. That didn't work. Obviously.

           Then I fell in love. Got married. TOO YOUNG. I married a woman that liked relationships with my friends more than me. Thanks to that marriage I learned some things.
1. Even the strongest of people will attempt suicide if they are sad enough.
2. No other person is worth taking your own life.
3. Marriage does not mean what it meant "back in the day".

            I spent the next few years drunk. I lived in run down shit shacks. Lived on perv row in strip clubs. I dated girls I knew I would never want a future with, but felt crushed when it didn't work out.


           THEN. I woke up day and decided I did not like who I was. SO. I stopped talking to pretty much everyone I hung out with then. I moved to a farm house far away from pretty much everything. I spent everyday going to work and working on myself. I met new people. Good people. With good families. With good hearts. Through them I remembered that I was good too.

           THEN. I had back surgery at 25.
           THEN. The docs found a mass on my nut
            NOW. My back hurts and my friends make one nut jokes.

            Then through my new friends I met Sarah. In a crowded bar on New years Eve, one of my new friends brought her sister to watch the band I was in. That day my whole life changed forever. She was pretty, smart, ambitious and had the biggest smile I had ever seen. She smelled good.

            We got married for all the right reasons. We have 2 kids. We are AWESOME.

      So... through a lot of life experiences, I learned a little about a lot of things. I have opinions on all of them. So I shouldn't have a problem making posts. Maybe...Just maybe, someone may actually want to read it. Therapeutic anyway, right?


So What have we learned about Brett in this condensed life story?

1. I don't handle rejection well.
2. I have lived in a lot of situations that I think in the end taught me a lot of who wanted to be.
3. I have no issue walking away from people that have no positive influence on my life.
4. I have a lot of love for my true friends.
5. I have no love for my fake ones.
6. I love my family.
7. My wife and my children are the sun in which my world revolves
8. I am pretty awesome.
9. I say "so" a lot.