Dear ________,

Dear family,

       I want to say thank you. Thank you for being a constant love no matter what shit storm comes raging through our lives. Thank you for being crutches for other family members to lean on when the weight of the world seems too heavy to bear. Thank you for being self aware and honest. Thank you for being you. We are a fucked up group of people for sure. But, we are a fucked up group of amazing, supportive, loving champions that prove time and time again that we persevere... Always.

                                                                                                         Love, Brett.

Dear Mom and Dad,

         There is not enough room on the internet to write down all the amazing things you do. You both are truly rocks. How you keep your shit together with all of the crap we have pulled through the years is a testament to your strength and your patience. Mommy, without fail you are there when ever needed, no matter the circumstance. (except hospitals... You don't do hospitals.) You have the power to calm the most torrential internal storms that we face and you do not ever receive enough gratitude. Daddy, You took on the job of raising this chubby, oversensitive, ball of emotion without ever making me feel like I wasn't yours. You both are so wonderful. I love you.

                                                                                                          Love, Brett.

Dear Wife,

      What can I say that I don't tell you as often as I can already? You are stunning. You are everything to so many. You are the light that keeps me from forever falling into darkness. You are a voice of reason when the voices in my head are being unreasonable. You are force to be reckoned with, my love. Because of you, I serve a purpose. Because of you, the worst of days end with smiles and sound sleep. Because of you this little house remains strong and loving and beaming with possibility. The words "I love you" are not enough. My cup overflows.

                                                                                                           Love, Brett.

Dear Emma,
 
      Man, do we love you. And even though you are out in the world, doing you... Your face is missed. Your smile is missed. Your presence is missed. We spend countless minutes everyday worrying about you, thinking about you. In the end, we believe in you and that you will do the right things. We believe that you will be safe and smart.

                                                                                                              Love, Brett.

Dear Drake,

      You have single handedly, turned an angry, selfish and foolish man into a man with a mission. A mission of being the absolute best father the world has ever seen. You, my son have changed my life. You have given your broken down Daddy a reason to wake up everyday. To smile and laugh. You have given me a reason to see the beauty in all of the world around us. You will move mountains, my boy. I have no doubt.

                                                                                                             Love, Daddy.


Dear the people that walked away,

          You are missed. Maybe not as much as before. But still missed. I am flawed. You must not be. Why else would you be so unwilling to forgive? I look back at all of the situations that caused you all to walk away and process them over and over until I go crazy. But I am done with that now. I have always owned up to my shit and made sincere apologies as needed. After that, it's not my problem anymore. It's yours. May the sun shine brightly on all of you. May each day bring happiness and smiles. May you someday realize that you too are flawed and that you will require forgiveness from someone that you wronged... And may you get that forgiveness. Also know that these doors are always open. At no point would I not gladly welcome you with open arms.

                                                                                                            Love, Brett.


Dear the people I walked away from,
       
            Being myself, I am all too familiar with actions and words that require forgiveness from others. If I have walked away from you, it means that you are too toxic for forgiveness. Your adultery, sex triangles, child endangerment or whatever, was far too dangerous for me or my family to be around. Whatever it is that you have done wasn't a simple screw up or lack of judgement. It wasn't a misunderstanding or an argument between pals. Those are things easy to forgive and move on from... You are sick, twisted spawns of evil with no signs of being anything else.

                                                                                                         Stay gone, Brett.

Dear World,

      You are a beautiful place jammed packed with the worst sorts of ugly imaginable. Get your shit together.

                                                                                                            Sincerely, Brett.

Dear Organized Religion,

        You are a beautiful idea... On paper. Unfortunately, many of your followers can't read the blueprint. Therefore, as much as I enjoy the idea of a higher power belief system, my faith will remain with the Fonz. Get your shit together.


                                                                                              Sincerely, Brett.

                                                                                           

Dear Friends,

                You all deserve an award. You have stuck by a guy who. Is. Fucked. Up. You have decided to stick by a guy who's inner demons and lightning fast, foul mouth gets the better of him on a daily basis. You appreciate and love me for me and I promise to forever do the same for you. Sometimes your presence is the antidote to venom filled depression. You are all awesome. Not awesome like, "Hey this IPA beer is awesome"... But the true definition of the word. The power of the universe kind of awesome.

                                                                                                                Love, Brett
     

A Little Thank You Note.

Ok, so... Long story short.

Lots of suck, depression, ended friendships, more depression... wash rinse and repeat.

With all of the battles and inner demons I have been fighting, things are finally on the mend and I have some people to thank for this. First, thank you to my wife. thank you for your love, your patience, your support, your wisdom and for blessing me with the opportunity to be your husband. Thank you to my therapist for the ear, the alternative view, your time and your confidence in my ability to overcome. Thank you to all of my family and friends that have stood by me, loved me and supported me.

 For someone like me it is not easy to keep friends for a lifetime but amazingly... it does happen. I got some awesome messages over the last few weeks. Messages that put smiles on my face, tears in my eyes and wrinkles in my chin. I would like to take a moment to copy and paste some of them (without their permission) to illustrate how the power of love and compassion can pull someone out of a horrible depression. Sometimes, it only takes a few kind words to completely turn someone around.

From J.D.:
" I was just thinkin about you today Bro. I see you cutting through some rough waters here. I also see one of the strongest people I know standing up and doing what it takes to get through them. You have not been dealt an easy hand. Ever. But you always rise above. You look around and most importantly (and most difficult) you look at yourself. You've never been afraid to point the finger at yourself and say, "this is what needs to change". I've always wished I had more time for my close friends. It seems to be the same with all of us. We do what's required to keep bread on the table and try to spend the remaining hours with our wives and kids. I owe you so many thanks for saying that it's not acceptable and opening your home so that people will gather and spend time together. And I'm glad you seem to smell it on me that I'm still on you like jock itch on a football player. I really, really hope that moving away isn't what it takes for you to have the life you want. But if you do I'll pack boxes with you and love you from afar and talk to you when I can. I have your back. And while you're still within spitting distance don't you ever for one second think that I'm too busy. My family does need me home whenever I can be, but if I look at my wife and tell me my heterosexual life partner needs me she'll ask me what I'm still doing there talking to her. You need me, make my phone ring. Day or night. You get into a black pit again and I will walk out of work and drive straight to your house. I'll get out of my bed and drive to your house. You just need someone to sit in your basement and listen to records, I'll be there. I'm so glad that you're in another phase of making improvements to Brett. But don't go so far that you wreck yourself. You have always been a bombastic, opinionated individual. If sometimes you're a little over the top, then that's just the price of admission and most of us are glad to pay that price. My pride in you has only grown for three decades. You are at the top of the list of people in my life that I value and respect. I quote you to my friends and coworkers all the time. And the parts of you that have rubbed off on me have only made me a better person. Even more than my parents and grandparent you were the one that taught me how to give and to look out for people. You were the one that told me it's OK to throw your hands back and say, "Fuck it!" sometimes. You taught me how to fight stress with comedy and how to knock a bully down with a laugh. Whatever anyone tells you or makes you think about yourself you are an individual of the highest worth. I love you man."

From T.W.:
"I just had to tell you, I think you're such a great guy and I'm so glad you have such a beautiful life. I know it's hard, I guess Life can be hard regardless of who you are or how hard you try, but we definitely keep you in our prayers and really enjoy seeing the good things you've got going on on FB. Just so you know, you have fans in Virginia!"

From P.W.:
Hey there... I know we don't ea other that well, except for that our kids go to school together... Lol But, I just wanted to tell u how much I can relate to ur last post !! I've been going thru some wicked anxiety/depression which was probly more postpartum depression that really messed me up !!! But, I'm working on myself still... So I guess what I just wanna say is I know how tuff things can get & I just wanna say hang in there & try to keep the negative vibes away from urself !!!

From J.B.
"Brett. I have been paying attention to your posts and the blogs you have been putting up. I'm sorry that so many bad things have been happening to you. I was pretty pissed at you awhile back for the things you said about how we spoiled *****. I thought you were a dick and that you should mind your own business. At her birthday party this year we invited like 15 kids and only 3 of them showed up. She threw a temper tantrum and blamed us. My mother said pretty much the same thing you did. We spoiled her more and more every year and now this is how she acts when she doesn't get her way. It really started to sink in when she would freak out over dinner or losing a game. Then at Christmas we dialed it way back and she lost her mind. Anyway, what I am trying to say is that you weren't being dick. Well you were but you were honest. I guess the stuff you said was stuff we already knew but just didn't want to admit. I'm also sorry if us being mad at you or the way we handled it played a part in what you are going through. No one should be hated for being honest. Keep your chin up. I know that we aren't very close these days but we keep you and your family in our prayers."

From T.B.:
"Your an amazing father husband and friend!! Im proud to know you and wouldnt want you to change a thing. Always here if you need me for anything"

   These are just a few of many I have received recently. I really can't thank you enough for taking some time out of your day to let me know that I am not alone. Letting me know that people do care, even if they aren't that close. Each positive message I received helped lift me from a horrible place. When someone is depressed, you really feel like the world is against you. One person being mad at you feels like a million. You really start to question your worth. And sometimes it only takes a few words to make someone feel like they are worth a lot. A few words to remind someone that they are important. So again. Thank you.

Cheers, to a new day!

Just figuring out and fixing my shit.

Ok, so...

I have taken the last month or so to sit back, reflect, work on some issues and attempt to fix my shit.
Stayed away from get togethers. (with the exception of the Super Bowl) Stayed out of public. Deactivated Facebook. Kept my mouth shut. Ears open. I decided to stuff every day with nothing but my wife, my son and daily routine. I slowly tackled each of my mental issues with my wife and Grandmother. And I finally think I got some of my shit fixed.

Maybe someday, someone reading the silly things I post on the internet will be going through some similar crap and maybe my rambling will help.

So anyway... Rough couple months. It affected my personality. I pissed people off. I felt crappy about it. I apologized. I then became an introvert until I could figure out my shit. I definitely figured a lot of shit out in the last 30 days.

I figured out that when you are upset, Facebook is Satan. Because when you are feeling like the world hates you, every post, every meme, every quote and every rant is about you. Even if it isn't. Every post, meme, quote and rant is an attack on you. Even if it isn't. You are sure that they are because when one person is pissed at you EVERYONE must be pissed at you. Every one of these posts has GOT to be directed at you, even if your name is not tagged in it. So I deactivated for a while until I could wrap my head around the fact that every meme, quote, post and rant may not actually be about me.

Speaking of memes, I have also figured out that I may never post one ever if I can help it. Because when someone is depressed or upset or fighting... That someone is taking that meme wrong. Even if it a positive life quote, that someone thinks you are telling them how to live their life. When it is a meme about removing negativity from your life, that depressed person thinks that they are not worth being part of your life. With the exception the obvious comedy memes... a person struggling with self worth can feel like rock salt and razor blades were poured in their already bleeding wounds.

I figured out that I do not have the ability to hide my issues, slap on a fake smile and go around pretending that my life is nothing but rainbows and butterflies. I need to get it out. I need to talk about it. I need feedback from others so I can get through shit. Even if the feedback is not pleasant. Life is not puppies and ice cream all of the time. I figured out that I am blessed to have loving people to listen, understand, teach and advise me when I am struggling.

During the process of "getting it out" this time,  I figured more shit out. Like the the fact that I am a opinionated, judgmental asshole. How did I figure this out? Because I have heard it so many times in the last month from the people closest to me that it must be true. My wife and my life long besties have confirmed it. I have also figured out that I hate this about me. So that is still a work in progress. It is a progress I am having a little trouble figuring out though... It seems if you have an opinion and voice it out loud, you are opinionated. If you have an opinion that is different than someone else's and voice it out loud, you are judgmental. and if you say anything negative about anything, anywhere... you are an asshole. How does one NOT be these things. Is it possible? If someone tells me that I am an opinionated, judgmental asshole, doesn't that make them opinionated and judgmental? Should I then be mad at them? If so, how do I have a relationship with anyone, ever? This paragraph exists because I am TRULY struggling with this right now. I have heard these terms used to describe me for 20 plus years. I don't want to be these things. These are not the adjectives I want to be associated with my name. When people say my name, I want them to smile, not growl. When my name comes up in a conversation, I want it to be a conversation of good time and happiness.

In the last month I figured out that the things in life that TRULY matter are the things that reside in these four walls that I am in right now. I figured out that I can no longer spend one more second being saddened, stressed and upset about people's opinion of me if they don't share the space in this house. Every second that I spend worrying about how others feel about me is another second that I did not devote to the people that love me unconditionally. It is squandered time and energy that should have been dedicated to my loving, devoted wife, my wide eyed compassionate son and the midget on the way!!

This month has forced me to take a good long look at my history. I don't have enough fingers to count the amount of friends and family that have vanished from my life. Whether it was me that walked away or them, the numbers seem uncountable. I did however figure out that the saying is true... The people that are meant to be in your life are going to be there. No matter what. There may be a couple rifts here and there, but when the smoke clears you will pick up right where you left off. A little wiser and with a little more understanding.

I figured out that when your kids grow up and do stupid shit... You blame yourself. But with the help of my very wise Grandma, I figured out that I am not to blame. My parents were not to blame for my stupid decisions and I am not to blame for my kid's. We did everything right. I know that now.

I figured out that my mouth has a way of spouting words before the the thought process has actually finished. This is something that I am forcing myself to take control of. It is the opposite of easy. Especially when beer is involved. However... It is something I am seriously being more aware of and working on.

It kills me how it is so easy for we humans to forget about all of the good things that people have done when they make a mistake. As if every good deed or act of kindness never existed the second they do something wrong. I have quite a list of "friends" that are no longer around because of my mistakes. People that decided all of the good things I have done were negated because of something I said.  People that decided that their lives were better without me in it because I spoke before I thought. Or because my opinion was different than theirs. Or because maybe I pointed out some truth they didn't want to admit about themselves.

So finally I figured this out. Regardless of others opinions of me... I am pretty awesome. And I will remind myself of this when I struggle with self worth. I will remind myself of all the good I bring to the world around me. I will remind myself that the mistakes I make do NOT define me. I am a good person with some flaws. We are all humans and we are ALL flawed.

So, I finish this tonight feeling happy again, listening to my preggo wife and my son doing a puzzle in the next room. I finish this feeling blessed and loved and eager to jump into our next chapter. It is a great feeling. So again, to all the people I hurt during this "life nut punch" Thanks for sticking around and I promise to do the same for you when you are struggling. To those that are gone... Good luck to you. Your standards for friendship were unattainable for a guy like me. I understand and I hold no grudge.

On to my clean cup!!