***WARNING***
*Brett Orr is an oversensitive, over dramatic man that struggles with getting over emotional pain.* That being said, today I am writing to get things out of my head because they need to be somewhere else rather than trapped in my brain, driving me insane.
When I finally think that the last hurt-able feeling has become numb and that I no longer care about other's opinions of me or their feelings toward me, I find that there is still one that hangs out only to cause another cycle of overthinking, self doubt and stupid, whiny depression.
I discovered recently that when someone new is about to meet me, they get a warning. They are warned about the loud, abrasive asshole they are about to meet. Before I even get the chance to make a first impression for myself, they have a preconceived idea of who I am before I even arrive. To that person, that is all I am. Their mind has already been made for them. This guy is a piece of shit... So I will just stay away from him while he is here.
I guess I shouldn't be surprised, really. I notice stand-offish behaviors from people that don't know me personally quite often. Usually in the school when I pick Drago up. Small towns sure can be fun sometimes. No doubt the hairy eyeballs from the school Mommies and teachers stem from the time that I pissed off an entire family by calling their kid a douchebag while I was buzzed and horribly depressed. Meengya, it's been over a year and I still can't even get a haircut without hearing all about what an asshole I am because of that one fuck up. Please, feel free to form your opinion of me based on the rantings of someone I pissed off. It is really hard to move beyond past fuck ups when you never stop hearing about it. Especially in a day and age where forgetting and forgiving seem to no longer exist.
Here is the thing. It's who I am. It is how I am wired. I say what I feel, when I feel it. I am an entertainer by nature. So what ever it is that I say, it is usually said loudly and melodramatically.
But why is this ALL that I am? Why is this the warning people get? Why is it always someone's flaws that define them? Why isn't it, "This is Brett, he throws Easter egg hunts for the entire town?" Or, he throws carnivals and drive ins in his back yard for the neighborhood kids? Or, this guy opens his house to anyone and everyone just so they can keep in touch and enjoy each other's company? It is never, this guy babysits multiple people's children free of charge for years to save people from daycare costs. It's never, this guy donates his time, money and DJ equipment to every single fundraiser or benefit that he is asked to help with. People don't warn others that I drop whatever I am doing to help my loved one's in need. No one ever introduces me as the guy that dedicates every single second of my free time to helping and caring for other people...Is it ever, Hi, this is Brett, he helped me move, paint my house, Dj'd my kid's party, my wedding, dry walled my house, donated to my kid's countless fundraisers, snow blew my drive way all winter, mowed my lawn, took care of my dogs, installed my audio system, drove my ass around while I had no license, volunteers at his son's school, is a loving husband, devoted father?... Nope, none of those things are used in the introduction of Brett.
It is always, "He's a loud, opinionated asshole."
I get it. I am flawed. I am loud. I am abrasive. I am opinionated. I am a lot of things. Including loving, loyal, dedicated, giving and honest. It just really makes me sad that the people that know me best only use the ugly adjectives to describe me to the people that don't know me at all.
Even after all of the therapy, journal writings, adult coloring books and feel good exercises... There are days when I still just feel so defeated... Even my loving wife and closest friends are tired of my pity parties. It's totally understandable. No one is sick of my whining more than me. Everyday I can't help but think it is time to just stop with the Sunday Fundays, giant Birthday celebrations, backyard activities and such. I seem to rely on them too much for my own happiness. I constantly think that maybe I really just need to put all of my energy into these four walls. I know plenty of people that keep to themselves, keep their doors shut and appear to be completely content. They don't worry about keeping connections or forcing friendships to last forever. Their happiness is not measured by their approval rating. I want that for myself.
But I have to be honest with myself...I will probably continue to put food in the mouths of people that talk shit. I will probably continue to help others that have never done a single thing for me. Chances are that I will continue to plow driveways, mow lawns, help move, paint walls, drywall rooms, babysit, dogsit, volunteer, donate my time, energy and money to others that need it more than me. I will probably still help to pick up the people that continuously knock me down. My home will probably remain open as a loving place to enjoy one another.
I will also will probably continue to be loud, abrasive and overly honest. I will probably always be over sensitive, way too dramatic and a depressed pain in my loved one's asses. So sadly, this viscous cycle will probably continue. I will keep doing great things but only be known for my mistakes.
But hey, maybe one day someone will say, "You're about to meet Brett. He is kind of a dick but he is a really awesome dick."
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